Official Edgar Rice Burroughs Tribute Site Since 1996 ~ Over 15,000 Webpages in Archive |
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Official Edgar Rice Burroughs Tribute Site Since 1996 ~ Over 15,000 Webpages in Archive |
1.
PRINCESS OF MARSby CHARLES R. TANNER
From
the magazine
FANTASTIC: SCIENCE FICTION - FANTASY -- August 1968
He hid
within a cave at last, a dismal place and haunted;
The
Indians came, a-searching him, but even they were daunted
By something
in the cavern dim -- then Carter got a sniff
Of something
old and dead and cold, and he was frozen stiff!
He lay
for hours within the cave, as still and cold as ice;
He tried
to wiggle, tried to squirm, he tried to move -- no dice.
At last
he felt a funny click -- by every Grecian god! he Jumped up and gee!
He found
that he was standing by his body!
Don’t
get me wrong, no ghost was he, he still was just as stolid
And
grim and stern and handsome as before, and just as solid.
He stepped
outside the cave and looking up beheld the stars.
A moment’s
spark of cold and dark, and Bam! He’s up on Mars!
The Martians
known as Tharks were quite the strangest ever seen;
With
walrus tusks and four long arms, fifteen feet high, and green.
They
lived like desert Arabs, but instead of sheep and goats,
Up there
on Mars there’s zitidars, calots and banths and thoats.
John
Carter killed a warrior, and standing by the carcass,
He saw
a Thark walk up and say, “Good work! My name’s Tars Tarkas.
“No
one can have a friend on Mars, no one can have a wife,
“But
keep it quiet, friend, and I will be your friend for life.”
One day,
while Carter cleaned his guns and hummed a little ditty,
An airship
from far Helium came sailing o’er the city.
They
shot it down ’mid squeals and yells, a wild and savage chorus;
And
there inside was Helium’s pride -- the lovely Dejah Thoris!
Oh “who
is Sylvia, what is she, that all our swains commend her?”
An who
is Trojan Helen, e’en with Venus to defend her?
And
who is Shakespeare’s Juliet? These ladies all were quinces.
Not
one would dare to risk compare with Captain Carter’s princess.
John
Carter as a fighter was a superman for certain.
John
Carter as a lover -- Let us quickly draw the curtain. .
He stuttered,
stammered, stumbled -- he was in a dreadful state;
And
only two clear words got through; he muttered, “Let’s escape.”
“So forth
from Alexandria --” (Beg pardon, that’s a quote),
So forth
from their imprisonment they rode upon a thoat.
Across
the dead sea bed they fled, past many an ancient ruin,
Till,
in dismay, they saw the next day the green men were pursuin’.
The green
men came up fast so she fled upon a thoat.
John
Carter told her, “Go, I’ll stay behind and be the goat.”
But
when the Martians got up close, he saw they were no Tharks.
These
savage goons were all Warhoons, a damsite worse than sharks.
They
took him to their city and they put him in a cell.
He found
that they had captured a red Helium man as well --
A noble
friendly fellow by the name of Kantos Kan--
And
it really burned him up when he had to fight the man.
The Warhoons
like a battle, so they made their prisoners fight
From
early in the morning until pretty late at night
And
then they turned the last one loose, so Carter got a plan.
“It’s
up to you to see me through,” he said to Kantos Kan.
So Kantos
killed a dozen men, and Carter killed a score,
Then
turned upon each other when there weren’t any more;
And
Kantos faked a sudden thrust and Carter fell “defeated”,
And
lay there, stark, till after dark and then got up and beat it.
Across
the dead sea bottom Carter quickly made his way,
And
came across a great big building, late the following day.
An old
man bade him welcome, saying, “Enter without fear,
“For
I’m the cheese that makes the breeze that people breathe up here.”
(You
see, the planet Mars is old and hasn’t got a bit
Of natural
atmosphere and so they manufacture it.
They
have to keep it secret from the whole blamed Martian race,
Or pretty
soon some dumb Warhoon would try to raid the place.”
The old
man flattered Carter and he made him stay for lunch
And
said he had to spend the night, but Carter got a hunch
That
this old boy would kill him just to keep his secret tight --
So with
the dawn, J.C. was gone, continuing his flight.
Across
the dead sea bottom (golly! here we go again!)
Came
Carter to Zodanga where he joined the ruler’s men.
And
one day on the street he saw an old familiar pan.
“Well,
knock me stiff,” said Carter, “if it isn’t Kantos Kan!
Said
Kantos Kan, “By Issus, you’re the guy I’m glad to see.
“I’ve
got a job to do and you can be a help to me.
“These
fellows caught our princess fair, as from the Tharks she fled,
“And
now the clown that runs the town insists that they be wed.
John
Carter said, indignantly, “Well, whaddya think of that,
“I’ll
wallop these Zodangans till they don’t know where they’re at.
“The
nerve of them! The princess is the girl who’s won my heart.
“Them
easy marks! I’ll get the Tharks and take this place apart.”
He leaped
upon his thoat and rode, with Thark his journey’s end.
Tars
Tarkas was their ruler now; he said, “Hello, my friend.”
Said
Carter, “I’ve got a job for you,. my friend, so do you duty,
“And
in the end you’ll get, my friend, a lot of loot and booty.”
To make
a long tale short -- they smote Zodanga, hip and thigh;
The
Tharks attacked them from the ground and Helium from the sky.
Zodanga
lost its freedom and its ruler lost his life;
The
Tharks got loot and wealth to boot -- and Carter got his wife.
For ten
long years, ‘mid smiles and tears, he led the life of Reilly
As Dejah
Thoris’ husband. He was honored very highly.
And
then, one day, he heard her say what threw him for a loss:
“Your
loving wife would bet her life they’ve killed the air-plant boss!”
Said
John, “Now that you mention it, it is quite stuffy here.
“I guess
it’s up to old J. C. to save the atmosphere.”
He quickly
called a flier and set off across the plain.
And
flew and few till he came to the airplant once again.
He fixed
the air-plant up, all right, the best that he could do,
But
he was darned short-winded by the time that he got through.
He gazed
up at the sky, beheld the planet of his birth --
A moment’s
spark of cold and dark, and Bam! he’s back on earth!
Oh, Edgar
Burroughs antedated Joyce by several years
In writing
stories that go ‘round in circles, it appears.
If I
were old John Carter, I would sure be broken-hearted
To fight
so much with Tharks and such, and wind up where I started.
2. To Dak
Kova
By
Miss India Boone, Kansas City, Missouri
From
Camille Cazedessus’ ERB-dom #55, Feb. 1972
Forty-three million miles away
On a
planet up in the sky
There
lives a fearsome, warlike race
That
does not fear to die.
A more
savage horde of beings
Never
walked beneath two moons,
And
the cruelest and most heartless
Is Dak
Kova of Warhoon
Fifteen
feet he stands from head to foot,
With
skin of olive green --
And
quite the most fearsome face
I’m
sure you’ve ever seen.
Blood
red eyes show ferocity
And
only one ear’s intact
One
broken tusk, snow-china white
Will
frighten the bravest back.
Dried
human hands and naked skulls
Are
worn around his neck.
A wild,
proud being who has won
The
title of “Jeddak.”
But
deep inside him’s an emptiness
That
never can be filled
By looting,
burning, or laughing at
Some
creature that he’s killed.
He can
never know emotion
Never
love, or hope, or fear.
Never
know the beauty in sunrise
Or have
a mate who’s dear
A loveless
creature: Loveless fate
Living
in a world of hate
He knows
no emotion nor cares for time
His
one desire...To destroy mankind.
3. Heart
To Heart Talks
by
J.T. Donney, Macleod, Alberta
The
All-Story Weekly Letter Column, September 22, 1917
Tarzan swings back out of the tree house into the forest and comes across two Golden Finches which he catches in each hand and knocks their heads together to kill them. He then returns to the tree house, throws the birds on the table, and asks Jane, "Can we have dinner, now?"
Jane replies, "But Tarzan we have no meat for the main course."
Tarzan swings once again out of the tree house into the forest and comes across a pair of chimpanzees and catches one in each hand and knocks their heads together to kill them. Once again he swings back into the tree house, throws the monkeys on the table, and asks Jane: "Can we have dinner, now?"
Jane replies, "Tarzan, do we have to have FINCH AND CHIMPS AGAIN?"
Me:
Ok, to write a letter, the first thing you need is a piece of paper and
a pen.
Tarzan:
What are those?
Me:
Paper is flat stuff that is made from tree pulp, sort of like a very small
blackboard. Pens are sticks that write, sort of like chalk but smaller
and in darker colors.
Tarzan:
Is this paper?
Me:
Ah, yes, that is paper, but you don't want to write a letter on that, that's
my paycheck.
Tarzan:
Why can't I use this?
Me:
Well, that's a representation of money that I .. uh, never mind.
Just don't write on that. Look, here's a piece of paper that you can write
on.
Tarzan:
What about a pen?
Me:
Pens are like little sticks. Do you see anything on this desk that looks
like a little stick? Uh, no, that's a ruler. Rulers are for measuring things.
Uh, no, that's a toothpick, it's for cleaning teeth, I don't know why it's
on my desk. Look, here's a pen.
Tarzan:
That doesn't look like a little stick! It's grey. Little sticks
are brown.
Me:
I meant "little stick" metaphorically. Just use this. Uh, you have to take
the cap off first. Ok, now write "Dear Mom" on the paper. Wait, you want
to rotate the paper so that the short side is at the top and the long side
comes towards you.
Tarzan:
Why?
Me:
Well, that's just how it's done. I suppose you could do it the other way,
but it would look a little funny. Ok, now write "Dear Mom" on the-- oh,
no, at the top. Well, never mind, we can just throw this one away and start
over. That's right, "Dear Mom" at the top. Then the rest of the letter.
Tarzan:
Ok, I've finished the letter! Can we go hunting now?
Me:
Well, you aren't really done. I mean, you are done with the letter, but
now you have to send it. You need to put the letter in an envelope next.
An envelope is a piece of paper that is all folded up to hide and protect
the letter. Uh, no, put my paycheck down, we don't want to fold it
into an envelope.
Tarzan:
Wouldn't that work?
Me:
Well, yeah, it would *work*, but it isn't the best way to do it, and besides,
I want to keep my paycheck. Look, just put your letter into this envelope
here.
Tarzan:
It won't fit.
Me:
Yeah, you have to fold it first. Um, it will work better if you fold it
into thirds. No, the other way. There you go, now put it in the envelope.
Good. Now seal the envelope by licking the paper here and folding it over.
Tarzan:
You must be joking!
Me:
No, really, that's how you seal the envelope. Look, if you don't want to
lick it, you could get a little sponge and dish of water and use the sponge
to wet the envelope flap.
Tarzan:
I'll just go dunk it in the creek then.
Me:
NO! Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. Look, I'll show you, I will lick
it for you. See? Easy.
Tarzan:
Ok, now can we go hunting?
Me:
No, not yet, we still need to address the mail so that the postman knows
who should get the envelope. So on the envelope, write "Lady Greystoke"
- nonono over here. Well, never mind, we can get a new envelope for it.
I'll take it out of the old one for you. Ok, here's a new envelope for
you, see if you can put it in - that's good - and seal it.
Tarzan:
I cut my tongue!
Me:
Ooops. It does take a little getting used to. Ok, now write "Lady Greystoke"
right here. Good! Ok, now we need to look up her address in the address
book. This is my address book, and you'll have to make
your own address book and
fill it in with addresses.
Tarzan:
How will I know what people's addresses are?
Me:
You'll just ask them for their address.
Tarzan:
How can I ask them if I can't write to them?
Me:
You have to ask them some other way, like when you see them in person.
Tarzan:
Why can't I just get a big book with everybody's address in it?
Me:
Well, there are five billion people in the world, so it would be an awfully
big book, plus people move all the time, plus some people wouldn't want
their address in the book. Look, trust me, it works. You'll get people's
addresses. Ok, so underneath her name, write her address. Uh, you put the
street address on its own line, then the city and state and ZIP code.
Tarzan:
What's a ZIP code?
Me:
Don't worry about it, just do it.
Tarzan:
Hmmpf. It would be a lot easier if I could just put "Mom." Ok, it's addressed.
NOW can we go hunting?
Me:
Hold your horses. You need to put your return address in the upper left-hand
corner of the envelope.
Tarzan:
What's my return address?
Me:
It's how people can contact you. Your landlord should have given you a
piece of paper with your address on it. Yeah, that looks right, now copy
that to the upper left corner. Upper LEFT corner. Good. Ack! My desk! Put
the cap back on!
Tarzan:
Huh?
Me:
It's very important that you put the cap back on the pen so that the ink
from the pen doesn't get all over everything. Ok, now we have to put a
stamp on the envelope, which is a way of paying for the delivery. You need
a 32-cent stamp. Never mind why. You need to put it in the upper right
hand corner, no, right-side up - so the 32 is right-side up. No, it won't
stay by itself, you have to lick it.
Tarzan:
I'm not licking anything else, I cut my tongue last time.
Me:
Oh, all right. I'll lick it for you this time. Tomorrow you can go buy
a different kind of stamps that you don't have to lick.
Tarzan:
How many different types of stamps are there?
Me:
Well, there's stamps you lick and self-adhesive stamps, and different denominations
of stamps, oh, and there are stamps from other countries but you can't
use them.
Tarzan:
Why not?
Me:
Because our government doesn't recognize those stamps. And we can't use
our stamps in other countries.
Tarzan:
So do I have to use two different stamps if I send something to another
country?
Me:
No, there's an agreement with other countries that they will deliver mail
with our stamps if they come from outside the country.
Tarzan:
So why can't we use other countries' stamps inside our country?
Me:
They just won't, leave it be.
Tarzan:
Ok, I'm going hunting now.
Me:
Just a minute, just a minute! How do you think the letter is going to get
to your mother? Did you think it was just going to magically leap from
the desk and get to her? We need to take it somewhere that the Post Office
can find it.
Tarzan:
How about under my pillow?
Me:
Don't be smart with me, young man. We need to take it and either put it
in the mailbox or take it down to the post office.
Tarzan:
Isn't the mailbox where mail comes *in*?
Me:
Yes, but the postman will take it out of the mailbox and take it down to
the post office if it is already there.
Tarzan:
Does that mean that if I don't take my incoming mail out of my mailbox
by the time the mailman comes again, he'll take all my mail away?
Me:
No, it doesn't work like that. Look, it just works, ok? Just go put it
in the mailbox, I'm tired of arguing with you. Then go play in the jungle
or whatever, just leave me alone.
Tarzan:
Sigh Letter-writing is *hard*!
Email looks pretty easy in comparison!
by Ducky Sherwood?
BILL
HILLMAN
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