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Apeman woke
up in the jungle one day,
And stretched in the
fork of the tree where he lay.
He reached 'neath
his loincloth and scratched his behind,
Then let out a bull-ape
yell, just to unwind.
He felt a bit hungry,
so, grabbing his rope,
He dropped to the
ground and took off at a lope;
His nostrils soon
told him that breakfast was near,
As he caught the fresh
odor of Bara, the deer.
He leaped to a tree
limb with greatest of ease,
And in upper terraces
soared through the trees.
'Til Bara he found
in a clearing below,
and dropped 'round
its head a grass rope lasso.
He tightened the noose
as the dear gave a start,
And Lord Greystoke
hauled up his meal, a la carte;
As he reeled in the
deer, Bara wiggled and lurched,
All the way to the
tree limb where Apeman was perched.
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A flash of the knife
Apeman's
father once wore,
And Bara the deer
was a livin' no more;
Apeman cut
out some steaks and, settling back,
Savored his type of
a Big Mac attack.
And when he had eaten
as much as was wise,
He wiped off the grease
from his hands on his thighs;
Then he toted the
deer like a tuxedoed waiter,
And buried it deep
for another meal later.
The Ape-Man's
keen ears then picked up a sound,
So he listened more
closely, with head to the ground;
The thuds and the
thumps from a faraway trail,
Were read by the Ape-Man
like we read our mail.
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He could tell
a safari was coming his way,
With two evil men
who had quite an array
Of ivory stolen from
elephants killed,
And pockets which
jewels from Opar had filled.
Along with the men
was a pretty French lass,
Who wasn't a thief:
She had too much class;
Twenty-two natives
were toting the loads,
The white men exhorting
the bearers with goads.
All of this, Apeman
could know for a truth,
By the way that the
noises were sounding: Forsooth!
He leaped to his feet
with the grimmest of looks,
And set off to deal
with this party of crooks.
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Now, Tantor the
elephant,
Apeman's best friend,
Encountered the men
as he rounded a bend;
One man gladly shouted,
and grabbed for his gun,
And quickly as elephants
can -- Tantor spun.
He let out a bellow
and poured on the speed;
This kind of people
ol' Tant didn't need;
As he ran from the
men in his natural fear,
A bullet nicked Tantor
up high in the rear.
The bullet bounced
off, but the pain settled in,
And Tantor saw red,
and it made Tantor sin;
His pain overwhelmed
him; his mind it did fill;
And Tantor desired
but one thing: to kill.
He roared down the
trail like a lumbering freight,
Where the Ape-Man
approached with a jungle-bred gait;
Apeman knew
by the scent that his pachyderm pal
Was not far away,
so he let out a yell.
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Now, Apeman's
yell usually made Tantor feel good,
But, clouded by rage,
it was not understood;
They both saw each
other about the same time,
And Apeman,
quite suddenly, felt like a climb!
But 'ere he could leap
for a low-hanging limb,
The elephant smacked
full-bore right into him;
The force of the blow
sent the Ape-Man a flyin'
And soon in a bush
he was, unconscious, lyin'.
Tantor's insanity left
him like -- Zap!
But he wandered away
with a memory gap;
He didn't realize
he had decked Tarmangani,
And waded a river
to cool off his fanny.
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Apeman,
conked out, in the bush by the trail,
Was found by the men
who were on Tantor's tail.
"Look, Jacques, a
wild man!" said Slipp'ry Pierre.
"I'll grab his feet,
and you grab his hair!"
So, Apeman was
trussed up and tossed in a cage;
At sideshows back
home, he'd be all the rage;
They'd earn lots of
money as, week after week,
People would pay for
a look at the freak.
They camped out that
night in a tree-shaded glen,
And drank so much
whiskey, they slept in 'til 10;
All morning the natives
were playing some tricks,
And poking the "wild
man" with spear points and sticks,.
But all this attention
the Ape-Man ignored,
And sat like a stoic
as the two white men snored;
Finally, the natives
gave up on their sport,
And turned to adjusting
the packs they would port.
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With others ignoring
the cage for a spell,
The pris'ner saw coming,
a mademoiselle;
Her lipstick was red
and her eye shadow, blue;
Apeman's eyes
stuck to the woman like glue.
Her golden hair shimmered
beneath the bright sun;
In spite of the jungle,
her socks had no run;
Like a queen from
the movies, so pert and so perky,
But, best of all,
she brought a fistful of jerky.
Now, a free meal the
Ape-Man
was not one to fault,
And he ate all the
jerky in spite of its salt;
The maiden sat watching
the Ape-Man's repast,
And her little French
ticker began beating fast.
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Then she held
up a ribbon, as red as could be,
And tied to the ribbon:
A sparkling key.
"I'll open the door
and I'll let you go free,
"But first you must
promise that you'll rescue me."
"These men are my uncles
but, blood ties aside,
"They're scoundrels
and villains who've cheated and lied.
"They're not very
nice; they ain't no Ralph Naders,
"They're planning
to sell me to Arab slave traders."
"I'll help you," said
Apeman.
"Just open the door."
She did, and our Ape-Man
was untamed once more;
He beat on his chest
and let out a roar;
The natives all jumped
about 10 feet or more.
"He's loose!" cried
the head man, in perfect Swahili.
"We'll have him for
supper, or my name ain't Pele!"
The natives launched
spears, and blew poison darts and
Shot burning arrows
at grim, smiling Apeman.
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The Ape-Man
quite
nimbly sidestepped every missile;
"Ooh la la," said
the French girl, and gave out a whistle;
As the final two spears
came flying like quips,
Apeman grabbed
one in each of his powerful grips.
Unarmed and outclassed,
the natives went white,
And, shrieking and
scattering, vanished from sight;
With all of the noise,
the drunks finally awoke;
Pierre grabbed his
gun and Jacques grabbed a smoke.
"What's going on? It
sounds like a fight!"
"Nah, it's the natives;
they're restless tonight."
"You idiot! Night?
It's already day!
"It's way past the
time we should be on our way!"
"Hey listen . . . it's
quiet now. Was it a dream?"
"A little TOO quiet,
if you know what I mean."
A foot or two outside
the tent, Apeman lurked;
He speared the tent
top and then powerfully jerked.
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The tent pegs
popped out and the canvas went flying;
Jacques froze in mid
knot as his shoe he was tying;
Slipp'ry Pierre was
more quick to react,
He raised up his pistol,
the hammer pulled back.
Now if he'd been smart
he'd have fired a round;
Instead, he told Apeman
to drop to the ground;
The Ape-Manjust
fired his spear like a shot;
It knocked Pierre's
gun right onto the cot.
Then Apeman
grabbed Jacques and gave him a boot,
That sent him cart-wheeling
right into the loot;
Pierre turned and
grabbed for the gun on the cot,
But he stopped when
he heard Apeman say, "Better not."
The French girl ran
up and gave Apeman some hugs.
"My hero," she sighed,
"You've stopped those two thugs."
They stood 'neath
the trees, so tall and so leafy;
"Who hugs me?" asked
Apeman;
she said, "My name's Fifi."
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Just at that moment,
there came a new voice:
"Stop hugging Apeman,
the man of MY choice!"
"Good grief," thought
the Ape-Man, "it's Jane, with Waziri!"
He pushed the girl
from him in one big fat hurry.
Then turning, the Ape-Man
dropped open his jaw;
It wasn't his Jane;
it was High Priestess La;
And with her were
50 from Opar's elite,
Short, bearded men
with bare, stinking feet.
"We've come for our
jewels," the high priestess said,
"These fools will
soon pay, as their blood will be shed;
"The sun's near its
zenith, now bring me those two;
"Stake them out on
the ground for the ritual I'll do."
As the 50 Oparians
did as she said,
Apeman walked
over to La and he said,
"Hi, La, how's it
going? Long time no see."
She smiled at Apeman
and whispered, "Miss me?"
Meanwhile, the high
priest, a guy name of Grout,
Was staring at Fifi,
with tongue hanging out;
She looked back at
him, and as their eyes met,
The rockets went off
like the blast from a jet.
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She smiled at
him, and he smiled at her,
Then she reached out
and patted his head full of fur;
He spoke the ape language,
and she spoke the French,
But Love is the language
that straddles the bench.
La looked at the pair
and gave Apeman a smile;
"I think Grout will
leave me alone for awhile!"
"You know, La," said
Apeman,
"I really must say,
"In civilized places
they don't act this way!"
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"They just don't
take people without a fair trial,
"And tie them and
knife them in sacrifice style;
"These fellows are
bad ones; there isn't a doubt,
"But is this the best
way to work the thing out?"
"Oh, Apeman,"
La chuckled, "for one moment there,
"I almost believed
you!" La fussed with her hair.
"Now quit being funny
by looking surprised,
"You know very well
that I'm NOT civilized!"
"I know," grinned the
Ape-Man,
"just thought I would see
"If you'd mellowed
at all since you tried to knife me.
"Well, I must be going,"
he said. "It's near noon."
"Oh, Apeman,"
said La, "You're leaving -- so soon?"
The Ape-Man
just smiled, then took to the trees,
As Fifi told Grout
'bout the birds and the bees;
La stamped her foot
and cursed at the air,
Then turned her attention
to Jacques and Pierre.
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Apeman,
the Jungle Lord, raced through the trees,
'Til there came to
his nostrils a spoor on the breeze;
He lifted his voice
with a summoning cry,
And heard back the
answer, an elephant's sigh.
"Tantor, old boy!"
Apeman
saw up ahead,
A massive gray bulk
with a friendly gray head.
"Don't worry, old
friend, you're forgiven, you know;
"It wasn't your fault,
and no other need know."
The elephant ambled,
as night followed day,
As Apeman,
at ease, on the great back did lay;
Time to relax and
stare up at the moon;
Another adventure
was sure to come soon.
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