Volume 1863
Georges Dodds'
The Ape-Man: his Kith and Kin
A collection of texts which prepared the advent of Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Presents
http://www.erbzine.com/mag18/tails.htm
Discovery of a Race of Human Beings with Tails
Many eminent scientific men have inclined to the belief that human beings in the long past were possessed of tails, good respectable tails, and not the stumpy apology for one which man now possesses. The statement that men now possess tails may somewhat startle some of our readers, who are unacquainted with the fact, yet nevertheless it is a fact that every human being amongst us possesses, just under the skin, and distinctly palpable to the touch, a rudimentary tail, a real veritable tail of about two inches in length. Look at a human skeleton in any anatomical museum, and you will see at the bottom of the backbone generally four distinct bones exactly resembling the short tail of a gorilla. These bones are called collectively by anatomists the os coccyx from their being curved in the shape of a cuckoo's beak. Our readers will have observed how a person writhes from being slightly kicked behind, or from falling backwards a short distance against a stone, or the blunt point of some hard substance. It is the striking against the coccyx, or to speak in plain English, the point of the stumpy tail that causes the excruciating pain. As man now exists physically, the human tail, from conception, through life to death, presents several strange changes. For a few weeks in the early stages of the embryotic state he has a tails as does a dog, a cat, a monkey, and most other mammals, and it is only in the later stages that it retrogrades and becomes rudimentary. Just after birth, and in the child it remains simply a piece of gristle. As youth advances it hardens consecutively into four distinct bones, not moveable at pleasure as in the lower animals, but moveable backwards and forwards for about an inch by external pressure, and finally, as a rule, about middle age, the four bones, one after the other, grow together into one bone. Mr. Darwin, Mr. Huxley, and others have long held that this stumpy tail in man is simply the remains of a much longer tail that the race once possessed; that there is evidence vast and varied to show that it is quite a common thing in the animal kingdom for organs to shrink up and become rudimentary from disuse. As illustrations taken from thousands which could be quoted, that the eyes of the common mole who burrows under ground, the fish and other mammals who inhabit the mammoth cave of Kentucky, and such places, and the wings of birds accidentally located on far isolated islands in the ocean have become rudimentary from disuse, that they plainly indicate by their anatomical structure that they were once used, but that changed natural conditions not requiring their use, in the course of many generations they have shrunk up and become rudimentary; and, finally, that the human coccyx or tail, by its bony, muscular, and nervous structure, bears within itself exceedingly strong presumptive evidence that by gradual disuse, extending over a long period of time, it has shrunk up to its present stumpy state. The theories of Darwin, Huxley, Hackel, and several other eminent naturalists collectively seem to be that in the course of progressive development, extending over many thousand generations, men having gradually accustomed themselves to the erect attitude by standing and walking upon their hind legs only, have set free the fore legs, which we call arms, to swing about, &c. and so done away with the necessity of a tail. These preliminary observations on the physical fact of man's rudimentary tail, and the elaborate theories of eminent natural philosophers thereon, have been called forth by the startling announcement which has just reached us of the discovery by a traveller of a race of men in the interior of New Guinea still possessing tails of unmistakable length, thereby once more triumphantly demonstrating to the world that the deductions of honest, laborious, scientific men are, as a rule, verified by later discoveries. Mr. Thomas Jones, the talented and observant traveller in question, informs us that he arrived by ship at the native village of Etihwretep, on the north-east coast of New Guinea, on the 24th of December, 1871, with an intention of exploring the upper waters of the river Tramsderf and the country thereabout; that on the 3rd of January having his outfit completed, he started in company with a European body- servant and a native guide and interpreter for the interior. We have not space, nor is it our purpose, to recount the adventures with beasts, reptiles, and human savages, the sufferings from exposure, and the interesting and useful observations of the traveller; suffice it to say, that after seventeen days of dangerous and arduous marching through the jungle, he reached the hill country, and in two more days arrived at a country where dwelt a community of people which filled him with astonishment, and the discovery of which will render his name immortal. Mr. Jones found a community of men walking upon two legs, but bent forward, with a considerable amount of hair on their bodies, long arms, claw- like fingers, and real tangible tails, more or less long. Mr. Jones's discovery, although far more extraordinary, is very similar to the discovery of the strange nation or community of the Mandan Indians, by Mr. Catlin. A few years ago Mr. Catlin found a community of men, one of the most remarkable the world has ever seen, within a few hundred miles of important English, Spanish, and Dutch settlements in the Eastern Archipelago. We have called Mr. Jones's discovery extraordinary -- it is more than this; --- it is perfectly astounding. Accustomed as we have been from time immemorial to consider man as pre-eminently the one sole biped at least without a visible tail, and so strong are our prepossessions in favor of the uniformity of the human shape in the present age in all the known countries of the world, that were it not for the high standing and well-known integrity of the traveller, and high character of the Calcutta Anthropological Review --- to the proprietors of which he imparted the startling information on his way back from the Archipelago to Europe --- we should still doubt; but, of course, with such authorities before us, strange as is the fact, our doubts must cease. But to return to our traveller's own narrative. He informs us that after penetrating through an immense jungle, and crossing a mountainous district, he arrived on the 12th of January at a valley called by the natives Eloc. Here he first met with the new race of men. The natives call themselves Elocwe or Elocwoans, the exact meaning of which could not ascertain. When he first beheld them at a distance he concluded by their form, attitude, and motions, that they were a species of gorilla, remarkably approaching the human form, and was dubious of getting too near to them, but was soon greatly and agreeably astonished to hear them utter distinct human speech, and a moment later saw in front of him a number of human habitations. Discovery of a Race of Human Beings with Tails
(To be continued in Monday's issue)
Their houses are built of bamboo, very ingeniously constructed of two and sometimes even three stories in height, but for some reason they never sleep or dwell at all upon the ground floor. Mr. Jones saw about him the evidences of a high but remarkably unique civilisation, plainly of spontaneous native growth, but perhaps, all in all, scarcely inferior to that of India, or China, or even Eastern Europe. Of their speech he could not understand a word, nor could the native interpreter, who accompanied him from the coast, give him any assistance. He therefore determined to remain amongst them for a time to learn sufficient of the language to enable him to inquire into their manners, customs, laws, &c., and obtain all the general knowledge he could about them. He remained amongst them for about fourteen months. For general information of what he saw and what he heard we must refer the reader to the pages of our authority, the Calcutta Anthropological Review, or to the traveller's own book, which will shortly be published, and shall simply epitomise some of his information about the most astonishing part of his discovery, that relating to the human tail. Mr. Jones informs us that the Elocweans believe that they are the only people in the world who have tails (in this they are probably correct), and that consequently they are superior to all others; that the tail is the most sacred and most important part of the whole body, that while amongst Europeans and most other peoples the dandies, male and female, are prouder of their face than any other part of their body, the dandies among the Elocweans are proudest of their tails; that while they generally wear nothing on their head or body except a slight covering around their loins, yet that they deck out their tails with the most costly and delicate finery; that while among the Europeans, and in fact all the peoples of the known world, the various passions and emotions are indicated by the expressions of the face, among the Elocweans they are shown through the tail, and in this respect they correspond in some particulars to such expressions of the lower animals. The twisting of the tip of the tail indicates impatience, the lateral lasting stroke indicates anger, a twirling motion indicates applause, the ordinary wagging of the tail recognition, the tail depressed in certain positions between the legs indicates respectively fear, submission, or great grief; one peculiar attitude of the tail indicates determination, another love, another hatred, another contempt, another joy, another respect, another pride, another humility, another dogged-sulkiness, another defiance, another despair, another commiseration, another expectancy, another jealousy, another inquiry, another approbation, another disapprobation, another yes, another no, another excessive mirth, or, more properly, tail laughter. In fact the tail itself is literally an organ of speech, such is the variety of feelings indicated by its numerous turns and nice shades of movement; one in particular we must mention, it being very remarkable, as bearing upon a European custom, namely, that of shaking hands. The Elocweans in bidding each other welcome or adieu move the tail up and down just the same as Europeans shake hands, and they have a theory on this subject which may or may not be true. They hold that all mankind once had tails; that all except their own nation lost them as a punishment for eating animal flesh, and that the general mode of shaking hands was merely adopted as a convenient but miserable substitute for the previously similar shaking of the tail. But the expression of the passions and emotions are not the only use to which the tail is put. The Elocweans play games of dexterity and skill, beat time, ring small bells with great nicety, and, absurd as it may appear, play certain musical instruments with it. Mr. Jones describes one kind of melody which they produce by fixing two pieces of reed in a peculiar manner near the tip of the tail, and then by a sudden twirling swing produces a most magnificent effect, something like the sounds of an elaborate but loud ’olian harp, and he asserts that when a number of fifty or more gyrate their tails so attuned in concert in a building that reverberates the sound, that the effect is sublimely magnificent. In all public games and amusements the tail counts as the most important member of the body, and has more work thrown upon it than either the legs or the arms. The various societies in marching to the recreation grounds do not walk arm in arm or hand in hand, two or four abreast, as Europeans do, but move in single file; the oldest man in the society goes before, the next in age the[n] follows, taking hold of his tail with one or both hands, the next in seniority the same, and so on to the youngest, who brings up the rear. Mr. Jones asserts that on one occasion he saw not less than 500 men so marching in Indian file like a huge serpent winding between the hills. Further Particulars Respecting the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Discovered by Mr. Jones in the Interior of New Guinea
No. II.(To be continued in Thursday's issue).
Further Particulars Respecting the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Discovered by Mr. Jones in the Interior of New GuineaWill be given in THURSDAY'S ISSUE
Further Particulars Respecting the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Discovered by Mr. Jones in the Interior of New GuineaWill be given in THURSDAY'S ISSUE
In the same way also the members of a family invariably move through the streets and lanes of the city, along the roads, or across the fields to wherever they may be bound, the rule of seniority always being observed --- the father goes first, then the mother, the oldest unmarried son, then the oldest unmarried daughter, and so on to the youngest child capable of walking, who comes last. Mr. Jones says that it is not at all an uncommon thing to see families composed of the father, mother, and twenty children, varying from two to twenty years of age, in one connected string, walking leisurely along; that these strings of families pass each other in the most crowded thoroughfares with the greatest ease, and that the inconvenience of being brought to a full stop or run up against, arising from the absurd European custom of walking arm in arm or hand in three or four abreast, never occurs. But although the Elocweans in some aspects act very sensibly, more so than Europeans, in some other respects they act very absurdly, particularly in matters of fashion. Fashionable deportment is an element that enters largely into the question of tails, to say nothing of the ever- varying dresses and ornaments of the tail. There is always a fashionable position in which to bear it, and among the upper classes particularly this is carried to a ridiculous extent, in fact to a sublime absurdity, probably beyond even the conception of Europeans, foolish as they themselves are in some respects on the question of fashions. Pride of caste, of position, of wealth, is indicated through the tail to a very great extent. It is quite a common thing to see dandies of either or both sexes walk along the streets, tossing and twirling and swinging their tails in the most haughty manner imaginable. Mr. Jones affirms that the various turns, and twists, and twirls, and shakes and motions of all kinds of the tail performed by the aristocratically inclined to signify pride and contempt alone are not less than forty in number. The color, size, shape, and general contour of tails is another question which largely engages the thoughts of the Elocweans. It is more or less genteel or vulgar to have a large tail, a small tail, a curved tail, a straight tail, a bare tail, a hairy tail, a fleshy tale, a bony tail, a long tail, a flat tail, a round tail, a lanky tail, a stumpy tail, &c. A stumpy tail is considered vulgar, the same as a snub nose is among Europeans. A tail. according to our measurement, nineteen inches long, gradually tapering from about one and a half inch at the base to a quarter of an inch at the tip, moderately fleshy, of a copper color, and with a slight natural curve downwards, is the ideal tail of the Elocweans. It is a common practice to put the tail of children into a sheath, to gradually give it the fashionable shape, the same as young ladies wear tight stays to give them small aristocratic waists, as the Chinese put their children's feet into diminutive shoes to make their feet aristocratically small, or as the Flathead Indians of North-western America put their children's heads between boards to make them aristocratic Flatheads. There are six distinct classes who get their living entirely by attending to the wants and science of the tail. First, tail-doctors, who are skilled in the diseases peculiar to the tail, and attend to the physical welfare of diseased, injured, or deformed tails, just as exclusively as eye and ear doctors attend to those organs among Europeans. Second, tail barbers, who shampoo and shave the tail, make and sell washes, perfumes, lubricating oils, &c., with which to wash and anoint it, tattoo the tail with elaborate designs, make sheaths to protect it in the same way as gloves protect the hands, and also to make it grow to the required shape, and last, but not least, make false tails, for so much importance being attached to the tail, false tails are much more common among the Elocweans than false eyes, noses, teeth, legs, and arms are among Europeans. Third, tail milliners, jewellers, and general decorators. This class prepare and sell ribbons, fringes, gorgeous feathers, rings, small bells, decorations, and trappings of all kinds to ornament the tail according to the fashions of the day. Fourth, tailologist, a class of professors who study the science of the tail, write books, and deliver lectures upon it; describe the characters and dispositions of persons as indicated by its size, texture, complexion, shape, &c., the same as phrenologists and physiologists do respectively by the head and face amongst Europeans. Fifth, tailomancers, a class of men and women who profess to tell fortunes, solve problems, predict events, &c., by the particular arrangement of the hairs, the veins, the color, the shape, and the involuntary motions of the tail. Further Particulars Respecting the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Discovered by Mr. Jones in the Interior of New Guinea
No. III.
(To be continued in Saturday's issue).
Further Particulars Respecting the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Discovered by Mr. Jones in the Interior of New GuineaWill be given in SATURDAY'S ISSUE
Sixth, tail doctors, a class who make, advertise, and sell certain ointments which they assert will, under favorable conditions known only to themselves, make the tail beautiful, obliterate deformities, cure it of any complaint, or even make it grow in length, thickness, or to any required shape. Mr. Jones informs us that this class, although looked upon with contempt by the most intelligent, are extensively patronised by the ignorant; he himself has the most supreme contempt for them, and relates a certain anecdote at their expense which we think too good to let pass. A certain quack tail-doctor, from a professional point of view, was a very modest sort of man; he did not profess to compound and sell a pill or ointment like Holloway's, or an elixir of life like somebody else's; that a few boxes or bottles taken or rubbed on would cure all disease incident to the human frame present and to come, but he devoted himself exclusively to the department of tail surgery, and in this line he asserted himself to be superior to all living men. His peculiar ointment he called tail bone and nerve all-healing salve. According to his own account, on one occasion he thought he would try an experiment with it to see its full force under the most favorable conditions, so he cut off his dog's tail and applied some to stump. A new tail grew out immediately; he then applied some to the piece of the tail which he had cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which. As the tail is so highly esteemed, their laws respecting it are numerous, elaborate, and severe; the tail being considered the most sacred member of the body, it is held to be the most heinous crime against man to injure it, therefore, for wilfully cutting off or vitally injuring the tail of another, the punishment is death. One heavier crime is known --- the eating of animal flesh --- and that is followed by the heaviest punishment known to the law, viz, the amputation of the offender's tail; 100, 250, and sometimes 300 strokes with a bamboo are given for the first offence; for wilfully jamming a tail in a doorway, wilfully treading on it or wounding it in any other way, although the part may be little injured, the intention is held to constitute the deed, but for second offenses of the kind the principle of equivalents, of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, is brought into notion, the offender's tail is always injured by the public executioner in the same manner, and to the same extent as the one he wilfully injured. Condemned persons are always made fast by their tails, and so sacred do they consider them that they never attempt to get away for fear of injuring them. Our traveller has seen as many as 150, all made fast by their tails to a length of rope, marching along the road to their task-work, and only one person to look after them on the journey. Many of what are considered the most heinous crimes are punished by loss of parts of the tail, hence a person condemned of habitual lying loses one joint; of habitual laziness, two joints; of habitual theft, three joints; of murder, four joints; of killing one of the red kind of the birds of paradise, all except the last joint; and as before mentioned, for eating animal flesh, amputation of the entire tail. The Elocweans are very kindly in their dispositions, and will not knowingly injure a living animal. According to their notions the next heaviest crime to eating animal flesh is the taking of animal life, and the penalty of which is the same as for murder. They have a law making cruelty to animals punishable by heavy penalties, and singular to say, so great is their veneration for, or prejudice in favor of tails, as it were, even in the abstract, that an offender receives ten times as much punishment for cutting off or otherwise injuring an animal's tail as he would for hurting the same animal in any other part of the body. But at the same time that they inflict heavy penalties for cruelty, it must be cruelty within the meaning of the act, that is, wilful and deliberate cruelty. This excessive admiration for, and careful conservation of tails, even those of the lower animals, by the Elocweans, and their extreme conscientiousness in punishing only the wilfully cruel, even in so sensitive a matter, moves our traveller considerably; he is pleased with their humane feelings and strict conscientiousness, but astonished and amused at their absurd belief and practice in the matter, and relates an apt but amusing anecdote: --- A gentleman having a fancy dog with a long tail told his servant Patrick to cut it off, as is the custom with many people. Pat promised to do as ordered; for three or four weeks after this the gentleman heard a great yelping of the dog every morning before he got up; his curiosity was excited, and one day he asked, "Pat, what makes Pincher cry out every morning?" "Shure, and you told me to cut his tall off," says Pat. "I could not find it in my heart to cut it off all at once, so I cut off half an inch each morning to make it go asier with the poor baste." Mr. Jones is in doubt how the Elocweans would deal with this case: he thinks they would be somewhat mixed in opinion; their extreme humane feelings at the prolonged sufferings of the poor dog, and their excessive sensitiveness that the mutilation of that almost sacred membe[r,] the tail, would incline them to murder him but then Pat acted from the most philanthrop[ic] of motives, and certainly was not guilty of intentional cruelty, and on this ground the[y] would incline not to only acquit him, but give him their blessing. Taking all the aspects of the case, therefore, the judgment would probably be, give him a beating, and a handsome reward, and let him go. Space will not allow us to follow this extremely interesting and scarcely less amusing account of the traveller any further. He seems to have been fully aware that he had made a discovery such as it falls to the lot of few men to make, and certainly not one man in a generation, scarcely in a century, does make a discovery so startling in itself. He saw that the most interesting subject connected with the new-found people was that caudal peculiarity, which certainly places them as the most unique people on the face of the earth, He knew that this peculiarity, so strangely and exceedingly novel, while it most interested himself, would also most interest the world at large, and consequently he has given it his almost undivided attention, and has collected a mass of curious information, not a quarter of which is summarized in this notice. We cannot, however, close without mentioning one of his curious, in fact the most curious of his many reflections. It is this. He refers to the thousand and one tail pains and the thousand and one tail pleasures that the Elocweans respectively suffer and enjoy, and he asks himself the question, is it best or not to have a tail? After enumerating the many mental and corporeal sufferings that the Elocweans undergo from ugly tail, defamed tail, diseased tail, frostbitten tail, rheumatic tail, crushed, mangled, and sore tail from all causes, and tail pains of all kinds, besides the enormous cost of keeping it clothed, doctored, decorated, &C., he seems more than half inclined to congratulate himself that he has escaped much suffering from being, in spite of his rudimentary tail, practically tailless; but upon passing in review the numberless ecstatic delights, extra sensations and pleasures, mental and corporeal, that the Elocmeans [sic] enjoy in consequence of having that extra member, and upon the principle that the pleasurable sensations of our members always exceeds the pains, and, therefore, the more members we have the more we enjoy, he finally and positively concludes that taken all in all, the good with the bad, that the Elocweans, in possessing another important organ, are the most happy people in the world, and that it is best for man to have a tail. Further Particulars Respecting the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Discovered by Mr. Jones in the Interior of New Guinea
No. IV.Final Particulars on Monday.
He refers to the thousand and one tail pains and the thousand and one tail pleasures that the Elocweans respectively suffer and enjoy, and he asks himself the question, is it best or not to have a tail? After enumerating the many mental and corporeal sufferings that the Elocweans undergo from ugly tail, defamed tail, diseased tail, jammed tail, frostbitten tail, burnt tail, scalded tail, rheumatic tail, crushed, mangled, and sore tail from all causes, and tail pains of all kinds, besides the enormous cost of keeping it clothed, doctored, decorated, &C., he seems more than half inclined to congratulate himself that he has escaped much suffering from being, in spite of his rudimentary tail, practically tailless; but upon passing in review the numberless ecstatic delights, extra sensations and pleasures, mental and corporeal, that the Elocweans enjoy in consequence of having that extra member, and accepting the principle that the pleasurable sensations of our members always exceeds the pains, and therefore, the more members we have the more we enjoy, he finally and positively concludes that taken all in all, the good with the bad, that the Elcoweans, in possessing another important organ, are the most happy people in the world, and that it is best for man to have a tail. Mr. Jones's Last Reflection upon the Race of Human Beings with Tails,
Which he Discovered in the Interior of New Guinea
No. V.E.W. Cole, 1 Eastern Market, perfectly agrees with Mr. Jones, and begs particularly, earnestly, and almost affectionately, to inform all the tailless inhabitants of Melbourne and suburbs, that he has for sale a great variety of
TALES: ---
Also, a great variety of short and long, old and new, varnished and unvarnished tales. The following is a list of some on hand, with price attached to each tale: ---Indian Tales Australian Tales Irish Tales Scotch Tales Sea Tales Battle Tales Moral Tales Boys' Tales Girls' Tales Little Children's Tales Ghost Tales Funny Tales Love Tales Thrilling Tales Startling Tales Horrible Tales Mysterious Tales Fairy Tales Temperance Tales London Journal Tales Family Herald Tales Bow Bell Tales Wedding Bells Tales Wedding-Ring Tales Every Week Tales Family Reader Tales Penny Miscellany Tales Australian Journal Tales. Nick of the Woods, 1s 3d; The Rifle, Tomahawk, and Revolver, 1s 6d; Tales of the Far West, 1s 6d; Romancer of the Black Woods, 1s 6d; Wood Rangers, 1s 3d; Adventures on the Prairies, 1s 6d; Rifle Rangers, 1s 3d; Hunter's Feast, 1s 3d; Cliff Climbers, 1s 3d; Afloat in the Forest, 1s 3d; Deerslayer, 1s 3d; War Path, 1s 3d; Spy, 1s 3d; Last of the Mohicans, 1s 3d. Indian Tales.
Harcourt Darrell, 1s 3d; Confessed at Last, 1s 6d; Daughter's Inheritance, 1s 3d; Lost Lenore, 1s 3d. Australian Tales.
Handy Andy, 2s; Willie Reilly, 2s; Charles O'Malley, 3s; Tales and Stories of Ireland, 1s 3d; Old Folk Lore, 1s 3d. Irish Tales.
Robinson Crusoe, 1s 3d, 1s 6d, , 2s 6d, 3s 6d, 5s; Swiss Family Robinson, 1s 3d, 2s 6d; Wills the Pilot, 2s; Sandford and Morton, 1s 3d; Seven Champions of Christendom, 1s 3d; Charity Joe, 1s; King's Hussars, 1s; Boys of Buchan School, 1s 6d; Fred Frolic, 1s; Charlie and Jim, 1s; Jack Stedfast, 1s; Tom Daring, 1s; Giles Evergreen, 1s 3d; Chevy Chase, 1s 3d; King of the School, 1s; Rags and Riches, 1s; Boy Blades, 1s 3d; Boy Rover, 1s 6d; Cabin Boy's Story, 1s 3d. Boys' Tales.
Two Years before the Mast, 1s 3d; Black Eyed Susan, 1s; Sailor Crusoe, 2s; Five Sea Tales, 1s 6d; Five Pirate Tales, 1s 6d; Snow Ship, 1s 3d; Alone in the Pirates Lair, 1s; Frozen Crew, 1s; Coral Reef, 1s 3d. Sea Tales:
Mysteries of Paris, 1s 3d; 3s; Mysteries of New York, 1s 3d; Mysteries of Udolpho, 1s 3d; Mysteries of a Convent and Maria Monk, 1s 3d; Poe's Tales of Mystery, 1s 3d. Tales of Mystery.
Ten Nights in a Bar room, 1s 3d; Down in a Saloon, 1s 3d; Dr Willoughby and his Wine, 1s 3d; Out of the Fire, 1s 3d; Aunt Dinah's Pledge, 1s 3d; The Three Sisters, 1s 3d; Temperance Tales, 1s 3d. Temperance Tales.
Don Quixote, 1s 3d, with 704 illustrations, 6s; Arabian Nights, 1s 3d; , 2s 6d; 3s 6d, with 600 illustrations 8s, published at 21s; Monte Christo, 1s 6d; Jane Eyre, 3s; Blueskin, 3s; Female Life Among the Mormons, 6d; Oliver Twist, Illustrated, 1s 6d, bound 2s 6d; Farmer of Inglewood Forest, 1s 3d,1s 6d; Lamplighter, 1s 3d, 1s 6d; Wide Wide World, 1s 3d, 1s 6d, 3s; Queechy, 1s 3d, 1s 6d, 3s; Uncle Tom's Cabin, 1s 3d, 1s 6d; Fatherless Fanny, 1s 3d; Children of the Abbey, 1s 3d, 1s 6d; Scottish Chiefs, 1s 3d, 2s; Clair of the Isles, 1s 3d; Castle of Otranto and Old English Baron, 1s 3d; Carew the King of the Beggars, 1s 3d; Mabel Vaughan, 1s 6d; Anna Lee the Maiden Wife and Mother, 1s 6d; Religious Courtship, 1s 3d; Gates Ajar, 1s 3d; Melbourne Homes, 1s 3d, 1s 6d; Old Helmet, 1s 3d; --- e Clark, 1s 3d; Fern Leaves, 1s 3d; Pamela or Virtue Rewarded, 1s 6d; Fashion and Famine, 1s 6d; White Slave, 1s 3d; Wandering Jew, 1s 3d, 3s; Roderic Random, 1s 3d, 2s; Married in Haste, 1s 3d; Love in a Cottage, 1s 3d; Tempted Wife, 1s 3d; Wife's Victory, 1s 3d; Divorced Wife, 1s 3d; Rejected Wife, 1s 3d; Doubly False, 1s 6d; Rovina the Virtuous Country Maid; , 1s 3d; Clarissa Barlowe, 1s 3d; Guardian Angel, 1s; -ower Bill, 9d; Fatal -erd, 1s 3d; Basket of Flowers, 1s 3d; Cottage on the Cliff, 1s 3d, 1s 6d; Innocents Abroad, 2s; Innocents at Home, 2s; Flora Macdonald, 1s 6d; George -ott-, 3s; Rich Husband, 3s; Which Shall it Be, 3s; Madeline Graham, 3s; At War with Society, 1s 6d; Annals of the Poor, 1s 3d; Rob of the Bowl, 1s 3d; Romance of the Forest, 1s 3d; Tales of Fairyland, 1s 3d; Tales of Battles by Sea and Land, 1s 3d; Tales of the Wild and Wonderful, 1s 6d Miscellaneous Tales.
Also
About 100 Kinds of Tales at 6d
100 Kinds at 3d
And 50 Kinds of Short Tales at 3d each.Finally persons residing in the bush who want tales, persons going aboard ship who want tales, and persons residing in town who want tales, particularly light interesting and cheap tales, can be shown the largest variety in Australia, at
COLE'S
CHEAP BOOK STORE
1 EASTERN MARKET
TALES TAYLES TAILS
Mr. Jones's Account of a Race of Human Beings with Tails, Discovered by Him in the Interior of New Guinea.
Many eminent scientific men have inclined to the belief that human beings in the long past were possessed of tails, good respectable tails, and not the stumpy apology for one which man now possesses. The statement that men now possess tails may somewhat startle some of our readers, who are unacquainted with the fact, yet nevertheless it is a fact that every human being amongst us possesses, just under the skin, and distinctly palpable to the touch, a rudimentary tail, a real veritable tail of about two inches in length. Look at a human skeleton in any anatomical museum, and you will see at the bottom of the backbone generally four distinct bones exactly resembling the short tail of a gorilla. These bones are called collectively by anatomists the os coccyx from their being curved in the shape of a cuckoo's beak. Our readers will have observed how a person writhes from being slightly kicked behind, or from falling backwards a short distance against a stone, or the blunt point of some hard substance. It is the striking against the coccyx, or to speak in plain English, the point of the stumpy tail that causes the excruciating pain. As man now exists physically, the human tail, from conception, through life to death, presents several strange changes. For a few weeks in the early stages of the embryotic state he has a tails as does a dog, a cat, a monkey, and most other mammals, and it is only in the later stages that it retrogrades and becomes rudimentary. Just after birth, and in the child it remains simply a piece of gristle. As youth advances it hardens consecutively into four distinct bones, not moveable at pleasure as in the lower animals, but moveable backwards and forwards for about an inch by external pressure, and finally, as a rule, about middle age, the four bones, one after the other, grow together into one bone. Mr. Darwin, Mr. Huxley, and others have long held that this stumpy tail in man is simply the remains of a much longer tail that the race once possessed; that there is evidence vast and varied to show that it is quite a common thing in the animal kingdom for organs to shrink up and become rudimentary from disuse. As illustrations taken from thousands which could be quoted, that the eyes of the common mole who burrows under ground, the fish and other mammals who inhabit the mammoth cave of Kentucky, and such places, and the wings of birds accidentally located on far isolated islands in the ocean have become rudimentary from disuse, that they plainly indicate by their anatomical structure that they were once used, but that changed natural conditions not requiring their use, in the course of many generations they have shrunk up and become rudimentary; and, finally, that the human coccyx or tail, by its bony, muscular, and nervous structure, bears within itself exceedingly strong presumptive evidence that by gradual disuse, extending over a long period of time, it has shrunk up to its present stumpy state.
Mr. Darwin, in particular, in his "Descent of Man," vol. 1, p. 206, says, "The early progenitors of man were, no doubt, once covered with hair, both sexes having beards; their ears were pointed, and capable of movement, and their bodies were provided with a tail having the proper muscles."
The theories of Darwin, Huxley, Haeckel, and several other eminent naturalists collectively seem to be that in the course of progressive development, extending over many thousand generations, men having gradually accustomed themselves to the erect attitude by standing and walking upon their hind legs only, have set free the fore legs, which we call arms, to swing about, &c. and so done away with the necessity of a tail. These preliminary observations on the physical fact of man's rudimentary tail, and the elaborate theories of eminent natural philosophers thereon, have been called forth by the startling announcement which has just reached us of the discovery by a traveller of a race of men in the interior of New Guinea still possessing tails of unmistakable length, thereby once more triumphantly demonstrating to the world that the deductions of honest, laborious, scientific men are, as a rule, verified by later discoveries. Mr. Thomas Jones, the talented and observant traveller in question, informs us that he arrived by ship at the native village of Etihwretep, on the north-east coast of New Guinea, on the 24th of December, 1871, with an intention of exploring the upper waters of the river Tramsderf and the country thereabout; that on the 3rd of January having his outfit completed, he started in company with a European body-servant and a native guide and interpreter for the interior. We have not space, nor is it our purpose, to recount the adventures with beasts, reptiles, and human savages, the sufferings from exposure, and the interesting and useful observations of the traveller; suffice it to say, that after seventeen days of dangerous and arduous marching through the jungle, he reached the hill country, and in two more days arrived at a country where dwelt a community of people which filled him with astonishment, and the discovery of which will render his name immortal. Mr. Jones found a community of men walking upon two legs, but bent forward, with a considerable amount of hair on their bodies, long arms, claw-like fingers, and real tangible tails, more or less long. Mr. Jones's discovery, although far more extraordinary, is very similar to the discovery of the strange nation or community of the Mandan Indians, by Mr. Catlin. A few years ago Mr. Catlin found a community of men, one of the most remarkable the world has ever seen, within a few hundred miles of important English, Spanish, and Dutch settlements in the Eastern Archipelago. We have called Mr. Jones's discovery extraordinary --- it is more than this; --- it is perfectly astounding. Accustomed as we have been from time immemorial to consider man as pre-eminently the one sole biped at least without a visible tail, and so strong are our prepossessions in favor of the uniformity of the human shape in the present age in all the known countries of the world, that were it not for the high standing and well-known integrity of the traveller, and high character of the Calcutta Anthropological Review --- to the proprietors of which he imparted the startling information on his way back from the Archipelago to Europe --- we should still doubt; but, of course, with such authorities before us, strange as is the fact, our doubts must cease. But to return to our traveller's own narrative. He informs us that after penetrating through an immense jungle, and crossing a mountainous district, he arrived on the 12th of January at a valley called by the natives Eloc. Here he first met with the new race of men. The natives call themselves Elocwe or Elocwoans, the exact meaning of which could not ascertain. When he first beheld them at a distance he concluded by their form, attitude, and motions, that they were a species of gorilla, remarkably approaching the human form, and was dubious of getting too near to them, but was soon greatly and agreeably astonished to hear them utter distinct human speech, and a moment later saw in front of him a number of human habitations. Their houses are built of bamboo, very ingeniously constructed of two and sometimes even three stories in height, but for some reason they never sleep or dwell at all upon the ground floor. Mr. Jones saw about him the evidences of a high but remarkably unique civilisation, plainly of spontaneous native growth, but perhaps, all in all, scarcely inferior to that of India, or China, or even Eastern Europe.
TO BE CONTINUED IN TO-MORROW'S ISSUE
To the Reader, as it is upon the information conveyed in this narrative or Mr. Jones' (corroborated by the missionary report) that we wish to start the "Cauda- Homo Search and Exhibition Company." we advise you to keep this column by you, read it carefully over again, and then if you think it convincing, show it to your friends and advise them, each and all, to take shares. We firmly believe that it will be a money making project.
JAMES TOMPSON, Esq.,
Manager pro tem
176 Great Bourke street east, Melbourne
Mr. Jones's Account of a Race of Human Beings with Tails, Discovered by Him in the Interior of New Guinea.
(Continued from Yesterday) Of their speech he could not understand a word, nor could the native interpreter, who accompanied him from the coast, give him any assistance. He therefore determined to remain amongst them for a time to learn sufficient of the language to enable him to inquire into their manners, customs, laws, &c., and obtain all the general knowledge he could about them. He remained amongst them for about fourteen months. For general information of what he saw and what he heard we must refer the reader to the pages of our authority, the Calcutta Anthropological Review, or to the traveller's own book, which will shortly be published, and shall simply epitomise some of his information about the most astonishing part of his discovery, that relating to the human tail. Mr. Jones informs us that the Elocweans believe that they are the only people in the world who have tails (in this they are probably correct), and that consequently they are superior to all others; that the tail is the most sacred and most important part of the whole body, that while amongst Europeans and most other peoples the dandies, male and female, are prouder of their face than any other part of their body, the dandies among the Elocweans are proudest of their tails; that while they generally wear nothing on their head or body except a slight covering around their loins, yet that they deck out their tails with the most costly and delicate finery; that while among the Europeans, and in fact all the peoples of the known world, the various Passions and emotions are indicated by the expressions of the face, among the Elocweans they are shown through the tail, and in this respect they correspond in some particulars to such expressions of the lower animals. The twisting of the tip of the tail indicates impatience, the lateral lasting stroke indicates anger, a twirling motion indicates applause, the ordinary wagging of the tail recognition, the tail depressed in certain positions between the legs indicates respectively fear, submission, or great grief; one peculiar attitude of the tail indicates determination, another love, another hatred, another contempt, another joy, another respect, another pride, another humility, another dogged-sulkiness, another defiance, another despair, another commiseration, another expectancy, another jealousy, another inquiry, another approbation, another disapprobation, another yes, another no, another excessive mirth, or, more properly, tail laughter. In fact the tail itself is literally an organ of speech, such is the variety of feelings indicated by its numerous turns and nice shades of movement; one in particular we must mention, it being very remarkable, as bearing upon a European custom, namely, that of shaking hands. The Elocweans in bidding each other welcome or adieu move the tail up and down just the same as Europeans shake hands, and they have a theory on this subject which may or may not be true. They hold that all mankind once had tails; that all except their own nation lost them as a punishment for eating animal flesh, and that the general mode of shaking hands was merely adopted as a convenient but miserable substitute for the previously similar shaking of the tail. But the expression of the passions and emotions are not the only use to which the tail is put. The Elocweans play games of dexterity and skill, beat time, ring small bells with great nicety, and, absurd as it may appear, play certain musical instruments with it.
Another service to which they put it, is to use it as a fan, for the purpose of cooling themselves and keeping away flies, mosquitos and other winged insects from their persons, they affix a number of large feathers, in a certain manner, along the last half of the tail, and extending considerably beyond it, and then by constant and varying motions, keep up a most refreshing current of air, and so much do they use themselves to this, that they are able to do it for several hours in succession without tiring, whether sitting, walking, or standing, and at the same time that they are fully employing their hands in their usual occupations. Our traveller says that oftimes when tormented by numbers of flying, biting and stinging insects, and nearly suffocated with heat, in that sultry torrid clime, he has almost envied them their peculiar appendage, seeing how much a comfort as a first-class fanning-machine it can be made.
With respect to the way in which they play certain musical instruments of their own simple yet strange construction, some of his assertions are most astounding; among others he describes one kind of melody which they produce by fixing two pieces of reed in a peculiar manner near the tip of the tail, and then by a sudden twirling swing produces a most magnificent effect, something like the sounds of an elaborate but loud ’olian harp, and he asserts that when a number of fifty or more gyrate their tails so attuned in concert in a building that reverberates the sound, that the effect is sublimely magnificent. In all public games and amusements the tail counts as the most important member of the body, and has more work thrown upon it than either the legs or the arms. The various societies in marching to the recreation grounds do not walk arm in arm or hand in hand, two or four abreast, as Europeans do, but move in single file; the oldest man in the society goes before, the next in age the[n] follows, taking hold of his tail with one or both hands, the next in seniority the same, and so on to the youngest, who brings up the rear. Mr. Jones asserts that on one occasion he saw not less than 500 men so marching in Indian file like a huge serpent winding between the hills. In the same way also the members of a family invariably move through the streets and lanes of the city, along the roads, or across the fields to wherever they may be bound, the rule of seniority always being observed --- the father goes first, then the mother, the oldest unmarried son, then the oldest unmarried daughter, and so on to the youngest child capable of walking, who comes last. Mr. Jones says that it is not at all an uncommon thing to see families composed of the father, mother, and twenty children, varying from two to twenty years of age, in one connected string, walking leisurely along; that these strings of families pass each other in the most crowded thoroughfares with the greatest ease, and that the inconvenience of being brought to a full stop or run up against, arising from the absurd European custom of walking arm in arm or hand in three or four abreast, never occurs. But although the Elocweans in some aspects act very sensibly, more so than Europeans, in some other respects they act very absurdly, particularly in matters of fashion. Fashionable deportment is an element that enters largely into the question of tails, to say nothing of the ever-varying dresses and ornaments of the tail. There is always a fashionable position in which to bear it, and among the upper classes particularly this is carried to a ridiculous extent, in fact to a sublime absurdity, probably beyond even the conception of Europeans, foolish as they themselves are in some respects on the question of fashions. Pride of caste, of position, of wealth, is indicated through the tail to a very great extent. It is quite a common thing to see dandies of either or both sexes walk along the streets, tossing and twirling and swinging their tails in the most haughty manner imaginable. Mr. Jones affirms that the various turns, and twists, and twirls, and shakes and motions of all kinds of the tail performed by the aristocratically inclined to signify pride and contempt alone are not less than forty in number. The color, size, shape, and general contour of tails is another question which largely engages the thoughts of the Elocweans. It is more or less genteel or vulgar to have a large tail, a small tail, a curved tail, a straight tail, a bare tail, a hairy tail, a fleshy tale, a bony tail, a long tail, a flat tail, a round tail, a lanky tail, a stumpy tail, &c. A stumpy tail is considered vulgar, the same as a snub nose is among Europeans. A tail, according to our measurement, nineteen inches long, gradually tapering from about one and a half inch at the base to a quarter of an inch at the tip, moderately fleshy, of a copper color, and with a slight natural curve downwards, is the ideal tail of the Elocweans. It is a common practice to put the tail of children into a sheath, to gradually give it the fashionable shape, the same as young ladies wear tight stays to give them small aristocratic waists, as the Chinese put their children's feet into diminutive shoes to make their feet aristocratically small, or as the Flathead Indians of North- western America put their children's heads between boards to make them aristocratic Flatheads.
With respect to the various styles of dress, the Elocweans frequently deck out and ornament their tails with birds of paradise and other gorgeous feathers, millinery, jewellery, &c. in the most fantastic and ridiculous fashions, and which fashions are continually changing; some of these are mi---- ---- in detail and are carefully ---- enough; ---- fashion -- -- of a number of ---- feather frills arranged round the tail in -------- form with a ---- ---- ---------- another the latest and certainly the soberest mentioned, consist of about ---- colored rings fixed at equal distances around the body of this tail, ---- of five or six bows of artificial flowers along the top, and a streamer dependant from each ring along the under surface; the general effect of this fashion is not inelegant. At first and for some time, our traveller was inclined to indulge in ridicule, and frequently when some ----urous absurdity of fashion came to his notice, he could hardly keep himself from openly expressing or looking contempt; but at length, after he had become somewhat used to them, more impartial and philosophical councils seemed to have prevailed in his breast, and he says: --- I have reflected that human nature is human nature the world over. Many Asiatic and African nations absurdly wear rings and other ornaments in their noses and around their legs; and even in my own Europe, women absurdly wear massive pendants in their ears, bracelets and armlets on their arms, ridiculous figure deforming Grecian beads, monstrous, inconvenient, flame- inviting crinolines, draggling, wasteful, dust-sweeping, dirt-collecting trains and other varying absurdities on their bodies; chignons, and constantly varying absurdities on their heads; at one time wearing a bonnet nearly a yard across, at another time a wafer-like bonnet of scarcely an inch across, at one time with it tilted on the nose so as to hide the algot [?], and leave the back of the head bare, another time with it fixed at the back of the neck, leaving all the front of the head bare, and another time stuck away in the distance at the back of the crown beyond a pad of horse-hair, goats'-hair, cows'-hair or other artificial stuffing. At one time combing their hair back so as almost to tear it out by the t roots, to give them fashionably high intellectual foreheads, and at another time trimming it straight down almost to their eyebrows, to give them fashionably low gorilla-like foreheads, or what is very aptly style the idiotic crep. And if these, my own people, who stand in the van of civilisation --- at the very head of the rational world --- make such inexpressibly unutterable donkeys of themselves, until the term new fashion has become almost synonymous with new foolery, until it comes to be expected by all common sense-observers that nine out of every ten new fashion[s] will of necessity become some fresh exhibition of the absurd. Whet right have I as a European, to laugh at these poor Elocweans. --- Why should I laugh at them, when the simplest reflection tells me that if it had so happened that Europeans were possessed of tails, they would dress and ornament them just as fantastically and monstrously as the Elocweans now do.
TO BE CONTINUED IN TO-MORROW'S ISSUE
To the Reader, as it is upon the information conveyed in this narrative of Mr. Jones' (corroborated by the missionary report) that we wish to start the projected "Cauda-Homo Search and Exhibition Company." we advise you to keep this column by you, read it carefully over again, and then if you think it convincing, show it to your friends and advise them, each and all, to take shares. We firmly believe that it will be a money making project.
JAMES TOMPSON, Esq.,
Manager pro tem
176 Great Bourke street east, Melbourne
Mr. Jones's Account of a Race of Human Beings with Tails, Discovered by Him in the Interior of New Guinea.
(Continued from Yesterday.) There are six distinct classes who get their living entirely by attending to the wants and science of the tail. First, tail-doctors, who are skilled in the diseases peculiar to the tail, and attend to the physical welfare of diseased, injured, or deformed tails, just as exclusively as eye and ear doctors attend to those organs among Europeans. Second, tail barbers, who shampoo and shave the tail, make and sell washes, perfumes, lubricating oils, &c., with which to wash and anoint it, tattoo the tail with elaborate designs, make sheaths to protect it in the same way as gloves protect the hands, and also to make it grow to the required shape, and last, but not least, make false tails, for so much importance being attached to the tail, false tails are much more common among the Elocweans than false eyes, noses, teeth, legs, and arms are among Europeans. Third, tail milliners, jewellers, and general decorators. This class prepare and sell ribbons, fringes, gorgeous feathers, rings, small bells, decorations, and trappings of all kinds to ornament the tail according to the fashions of the day. Fourth, tailologist, a class of professors who study the science of the tail, write books, and deliver lectures upon it; describe the characters and dispositions of persons as indicated by its size, texture, complexion, shape, &c., the same as phrenologists and physiologists do respectively by the head and face amongst Europeans. Fifth, tailomancers, a class of men and women who profess to tell fortunes, solve problems, predict events, &c., by the particular arrangement of the hairs, the veins, the color, the shape, and the involuntary motions of the tail. Sixth, tail doctors, a class who make, advertise, and sell certain ointments which they assert will, under favorable conditions known only to themselves, make the tail beautiful, obliterate deformities, cure it of any complaint, or even make it grow in length, thickness, or to any required shape. Mr. Jones informs us that this class, although looked upon with contempt by the most intelligent, are extensively patronised by the ignorant; he himself has the most supreme contempt for them, and relates a certain anecdote at their expense which we think too good to let pass. A certain quack tail-doctor, from a professional point of view, was a very modest sort of man; he did not profess to compound and sell a pill or ointment like Holloway's, or an elixir of life like somebody else's; that a few boxes or bottles taken or rubbed on would cure all disease incident to the human frame present and to come, but he devoted himself exclusively to the department of tail surgery, and in this line he asserted himself to be superior to all living men. His peculiar ointment he called tail bone and nerve all-healing salve. According to his own account, on one occasion he thought he would try an experiment with it to see its full force under the most favorable conditions, so he cut off his dog's tail and applied some to stump. A new tail grew out immediately; he then applied some to the piece of the tail which he had cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which. As the tail is so highly esteemed, their laws respecting it are numerous, elaborate, and severe; the tail being considered the most sacred member of the body, it is held to be the most heinous crime against man to injure it, therefore, for wilfully cutting off or vitally injuring the tail of another, the punishment is death. One heavier crime is known --- the eating of animal flesh --- and that is followed by the heaviest punishment known to the law, viz, the amputation of the offender's tail; 100, 250, and sometimes 300 strokes with a bamboo are given for the first offence; for wilfully jamming a tail in a doorway, wilfully treading on it or wounding it in any other way, although the part may be little injured, the intention is held to constitute the deed, but for second offenses of the kind the principle of equivalents, of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, is brought into notion, the offender's tail is always injured by the public executioner in the same manner, and to the same extent as the one he wilfully injured. Condemned persons are always made fast by their tails, and so sacred do they consider them that they never attempt to get away for fear of injuring them. Our traveller has seen as many as 150, all made fast by their tails to a length of rope, marching along the road to their task-work, and only one person to look after them on the journey. Many of what are considered the most heinous crimes are punished by loss of parts of the tail, hence a person condemned of habitual lying loses one joint; of habitual laziness, two joints; of habitual theft, three joints; of murder, four joints; of killing one of the red kind of the birds of paradise, all except the last joint; and as before mentioned, for eating animal flesh, amputation of the entire tail. The Elocweans are very kindly in their dispositions, and will not knowingly injure a living animal. According to their notions the next heaviest crime to eating animal flesh is the taking of animal life, and the penalty of which is the same as for murder. They have a law making cruelty to animals punishable by heavy penalties, and singular to say, so great is their veneration for, or prejudice in favor of tails, as it were, even in the abstract, that an offender receives ten times as much punishment for cutting off or otherwise injuring an animal's tail as he would for hurting the same animal in any other part of the body. But at the same time that they inflict heavy penalties for cruelty, it must be cruelty within the meaning of the act, that is, wilful and deliberate cruelty. This excessive admiration for, and careful conservation of tails, even those of the lower animals, by the Elocweans, and their extreme conscientiousness in punishing only the wilfully cruel, even in so sensitive a matter, moves our traveller considerably; he is pleased with their humane feelings and strict conscientiousness, but astonished and amused at their absurd belief and practice in the matter, and relates an apt but amusing anecdote: --- A gentleman having a fancy dog with a long tail told his servant Patrick to cut it off, as is the custom with many people. Pat promised to do as ordered; for three or four weeks after this the gentleman heard a great yelping of the dog every morning before he got up; his curiosity was excited, and one day he asked, "Pat, what makes Pincher cry out every morning?" "Shure, and you told me to cut his tall off," says Pat. "I could not find it in my heart to cut it off all at once, so I cut off half an inch each morning to make it go asier with the poor baste." Mr. Jones is in doubt how the Elocweans would deal with this case: he thinks they would be somewhat mixed in opinion; their extreme humane feelings at the prolonged sufferings of the poor dog, and their excessive sensitiveness that the mutilation of that almost sacred membe[r,] the tail, would incline them to murder him but then Pat acted from the most philanthrop[ic] of motives, and certainly was not guilty of intentional cruelty, and on this ground the[y] would incline not to only acquit him, but give him their blessing. Taking all the aspects of the case, therefore, the judgment would probably be, give him a beating, and a handsome reward, and let him go. Space will not allow us to follow this extremely interesting and scarcely less amusing account of the traveller any further. He seems to have been fully aware that he had made a discovery such as it falls to the lot of few men to make, and certainly not one man in a generation, scarcely in a century, does make a discovery so startling in itself. He saw that the most interesting subject connected with the new-found people was that caudal peculiarity which certainly places them as the most unique people on the face of the earth, He knew that this peculiarity, so strangely and exceedingly novel, while it most interested himself, would also most interest the world at large, and consequently he has given it his almost undivided attention, and has collected a mass of curious information, not a quarter of which is summarized in this notice; and for what he says on tail conversions, tail games, tail pedigrees, tail shows, (a la baby shows) tail insults, tail etiquette, tail literature in prose and verse, tail superstitions, tail stories, tail theories, &c. we must refer the current reader to the account itself. We cannot, however, close without mentioning one of his curious, in fact the most curious of his many reflections. It is this. He refers to the thousand and one tail pains and the thousand and one tail pleasures that the Elocweans respectively suffer and enjoy, and he asks himself the question, is it best or not to have a tail? After enumerating the many mental and corporeal sufferings that the Elocweans undergo from ugly tail, defamed tail, diseased tail, frostbitten tail, rheumatic tail, crushed, mangled, and sore tail from all causes, and tail pains of all kinds, besides the enormous cost of keeping it clothed, doctored, decorated, &C., he seems more than half inclined to congratulate himself that he has escaped much suffering from being, in spite of his rudimentary tail, practically tailless; but upon passing in review the numberless ecstatic delights, extra sensations and pleasures, mental and corporeal, that the Elocmeans [sic] enjoy in consequence of having that extra member, and upon the principle that the pleasurable sensations of our members always exceeds the pains, and, therefore, the more members we have the more we enjoy, he finally and positively concludes that taken all in all, the good with the bad, that the Elocweans, in possessing another important organ, are the most happy people in the world, and that it is best for man to have a tail.
To the discriminating public of Melbourne: --- Ladies and gentlemen, --such are the statements of Mr. Jones, and it is now for you to decide whether upon the faith of his representations (corroborated by the missionary report), and supported by a strong general probability you will take shares in the new company or not. There are several thousand shares yet to sell at 1s each, and remember that if it succeeds it will return you £27 10s for every shilling share taken up, or if you invest 40s, it will return you 40s per week for twenty years.
P.S. --- Any queries, objections, suggestions, or pertinent observations will be published in this column to- morrow at the expense of the company if addressed in time, to
JAMES TOMPSON, Esq.,,br> Manager pro tem
Of the "Cauda-Homo Company,",br> 176 Great Bourke street east, Melbourne
Correspondence of New Guinea Caudo-Homo Search and Exhibition Company
Drummond street, Carlton.
May 26, 1875.
Mr Secretary,Sir, --- I see by last evening's Herald that you are attempting to get up a company to exhibit a man of an unusual and peculiar formation; to exhibit him the same as showmen have at different times exhibited giants, dwarfs, six-fingered and six-toed men, bearded ladies, pig-faced ladies, four-armed children, &c., &c. Now this is all right if you can fairly obtain a specimen for the purpose, but there is one expression in your prospectus which I totally disagree with. You state that the man is to be hired, persuaded, or violently seized. Now sir, I ask, allowing that you find such a person, and you fail to hire or persuade him, what right have you to violently seize him against his will; to do so would be to steal, to kidnap him. Now has it never occurred to you or your colleagues that by the law under which you live the penalty for man-stealing is death; and I am not certain but that a public invitation to assist in such a thing is not an indictable offence of a rather serious nature. I speak as a friend, and would advise you to leave that proposition out of your prospectus.
I remain, yours truly.
NO SLAVERY.
Chapel street, Frahram.
May 25th, 1875
Dear Friend Norton, --- The prospectus of your company has taken us all by surprise, and at the first blush one is almost inclined to laugh at the idea of a company being started for such a purpose, but of course we live in an age of wonders, and ought not to be astonished at anything, and in these days of fresh revelations in science it is scarcely safe even to laugh at anything to-day for fear that the laugh may be turned against us to-morrow by those who can at once tell, or rather foretell truth as it were by instinct. A judicious and mutual friend of ours tells me that the company is certain to succeed and for you and your family's sake, I hope it may. It is probable that I shall take some shares for it is a great thing to be able to make money, serve a friend, and at the same time further the cause of science, and even if should chance to fail the loss would not ruin me. One more word and I have done. The evidence that you adduce in support of the feasibility of the scheme seems reasonable enough, and your calculations are certainly unassailable, allowing your data to be correct; but there is one thing that strikes me as an oversight. You propose showing your man throughout the whole world. Surely you do not expect to make anything by showing him in his own country, or in any other country where tail men may exist. Hs this point occurred to you,
I remain, yours affectionately,
JAMES AUSTIN.
Market Square, Clunes
May 25th, 1875.
Mr. Secretary, --Sir, --- I enclose Post-office order for five shares. I am much pleased with your project, and hope that for the advance of science, and also for the complete gratification of our long unsatisfied curiosity that it may succeed, but one horrid bugbear seems to me to loom in the distance. I may be wrong but please to answer me this question: --- If you can find such a race and obtain for the carrying out of your scheme a fair representative man of that race, when you have done with him do you intend to leave him in this country? Do you intend after opening up communication in any way to encourage or facilitate an emigration from his country to ours, because if so I would beg to remind you that we are already degraded enough with hordes of Chinamen without being cursed with the presence of a more contemptible race. Still hoping that you and your co-partners intend right through to act like rational beings in th[is] matter,
I remain, yours affectionately,
THOMAS MILLAR.
Grosvenor Villa, Punt-road,
South Yarro, May 25th, 1875.
(To Secretary of
Cauda Hemo Company)SIR. --- Having had my attention drawn to your prospectus lately published in a Melbourne paper, and also to the astonishing relations of the traveller Jones, and as you intimate in that notice that you are prepared to receive and publish suggestions, queries, and objections to the scheme, I take the opportunity, in the interest of the public, to offer a few observations on, and objections to the project. In the first place, one of the principal reasons that you give for justifying you in starting your company is that many in all ages have believed that such men have existed. Now, sir, allow me to inform you that the fact that millions believe a thing to be true is not the slightest proof that it is true. Millions have believed that the earth stood still and that the sun in some mysterious manner moved around it, and yet it was untrue. Millions have believed in the existence of witches, genii[,] fairies, elves, and hobgoblins. And many millions have believed in a thousand different things equally absurd and untrue. I repeat it. The mere fact that millions believe a thing to be true is no evidence whatover of its truth. Again, as you seem to attach much importance to the fact that the missionaries have positive information from the natives of New Guinea that men with tails do exist in the interior of that colony. Now, sir, I have great respect for the missionaries; they are generally well intentioned and earnest men. They have done a vast amount of good, and have tried to do more, but missionaries are sometimes too credulous; they are but human, and in their observations, their hopes, their enthusiasms, and their calculations, they are not always implicitly to be relied upon. Yes, sir, although missionaries as a rule are good men, missionary reports are not always the absolute truth. But allowing for argument's sake that you can find such a man, and let us pass on to an examination of your figures. You state that the man could probably be shown to all the eight score in the world in about 12 years. Now, this is pure nonsense. The ---- inhabitants of the world, according to a correct (and your own) estimate, amount to about twelve hundred millions; and allowing that the time taken up in travelling by land and water, delays from inclemency of weather, delays from waiting for opportunities of transit from place to place, delays from erecting, hiring, or otherwise obtaining places to show in, and delays from illness and all accidents and causes whatever. If you can by the greatest energy and perseverance show your man on the average, year after year, to five thousand people every day, you will do more than Barnum, or any showman that ever lived, did yet. Now five thousand people a day is thirty thousand a week, about a million and a half in a year, and eighteen million in twelve years. And now, listen. To show him, as you estimate to one in eight of the population of the world at a rate of five thousand every day, it would take just about one hundred years. So much for your figures, And, now Mr. Secretary, personally I know nothing about you, and what to more, judging from your coadjutors and surroundings, I do not want to know; but a word about your manager, and I have done. I have know him as man and boy for the last forty years --- first at Pentonville, in London; then in Tasmania, when it was called Van Diemen's Land; then in Calluo; then in Fiji; and lastly in Melbourne; and my knowledge of the English language is utterly inadequate to enable me to properly characterise that man's multifarious villanies. I have read Demosthenes on Philip; I have read Channing on Napoleon; I have read Macaulay on Harere; but the worst of those descriptions are not equal to his character. I have another before me, it reads as follows: --- I regard that atrocious man of an infernal bend, a false tongued, midnight monster, a redhanded ----, a thief, a he schoolmarm, a fraud, a ghost and an unpleasant person! This is somewhat pectical, but fearfully severe, and yet it does not nearly reach his case, for I venture to say that in the whole of the Australias, bas as they are, his match could not be found for variety and heinousness of crimes, and were it not for his superlative, his exquisite cunning, he would not be at large to-day attempting to concoct; yes! concoct, his swindling company. There, Mr Secretary B Norton. You invited some observations; here are some of my observations; and you are quite at liberty to publish them if you think they will do you any good towards disposing of your remaining shares.
I remain, etc.
RUPERT HENRY FITZJAMES
NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC ---
The above letters, and the unjust and silly attack upon the blameless character of our amiable manager, will be fully answered in this column on Monday next.
WILLIAM NORTON, Secretary pro tem,
176 Bourke street east.
Correspondence of New Guinea Caudo-Homo Search and Exhibition Company
Hoddle street, Collingwood.
Thursday Morning
Mr. Secretary,If you please, sir, I want to take forty (40) one shilling shares in the company. I do send the money in by my nephew, please to give him the papers all right, I should come myself but I have to go to a gentleman's house washing every Thursday and Friday and I can't come. The paper say[s] a person who pays 40s to the company will get 40s a week for twelve years. A person living near me gets lots of money from a company he's got. I have always thought I would like to get in a company, I am getting old now and the gentlemans wivez do want so much work our of ye for next to nothing. I are a widow, and have got two children: a boy, near 16, is now in a boot factory, and a girl, who stays with me; she is now eighteen, she is a very good girl, and I should so like to make a ---- of money for certain, so I could give an edication;, and make her a real lady. Please to tell my nephew when you would begin pay the forty shilling a week.
No more from your humble Servant,
MARY ANN SIMPSON.
One objection of a professed, but rather severe, friend writing from Carlton is, that allowing a tail-man (if found) will not come by fair means that you have no right to violently seize him against his will, and that if you do so you are guilty of man-stealing, and he expresses a deadly horror of slavery. My answer to this is, no person living has a greater horror of slavery than myself --- it is, as John Wesley happily and truthfully said, "The sum of all villanies." But this delicate question arises about a man with a tail. Is he a man? The Darwinian theory is that the superior animal we call man has, during an immense period, gradually arisen by a succession of grades from the very lowest of organised forms, say a sponge, an oyster, or a worm, up to what he now is. Now let us reason together, for a moment --- a sponge is not a man, an oyster is not a man, a worm is not a man. Let us go higher in the scale. A lobster is not a man, a cat is not a man, a monkey is not a man, a gorilla is not a man; and if we find a being as it were between the gorilla and a man, what is he? It is evident, allowing the Darwinian theory of the origin of man to be correct, that a line must be drawn somewhere between the lower animals and man as he is; and if I was arrested for violently seizing a tail man against his will, my defence to the court would be the same as my answer to you now in that I draw the line as follows: --- The lower animals, as a rule, have long distinct tails cisible to every beholder, and man has no such tail; and, therefore, if I violently seized any being whatever with a long tail, even against his will, it could not be called man-stealing. ANSWER TO OBJECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC.
Another correspondent, writing from Prahran, points out a supposed hitch in our calculations about showing the tail man through every country in the world, and he asks, "Surely you do not intend to show him in his own country." Our answer is that we had left his country out of the calculation, but of course if the shareholders are bent entirely on making money only, and are determined that every solitary country in the world shall be entirely shown over, the difficulty can be met in this way. When the tailman reaches his own country, where he himself will be no rarity, he can turn round and exhibit his two keepers as a couple of rarities, equally great as having no tails, and collect the exhibition money for the shareholders all the same.
Another correspondent, writing from Clunes, is very much disgusted lest we should eventually leave the tail-man in this country, or, through opening communication with the race, encourage or facilitate the introduction of numbers of them into Australia; and he then, in a most insulting manner, refers to the Chinese. We answer that we have no intentions, if we get such a being, when we have done with him of leaving him at large here, nor do we intend to encourage any of his race to come here. We hope we know ourselves better; but with respect to the correspondent's side insult to the Chinese, we beg to make a remark or two. It is quite a common thing, and has been for many years, for a large class of people to run down the Chinese. They have been for the last twenty years, to our knowledge, uniformly vilified; they have been driven from many gold-fields by lawless mobs. In thousands and thousands and thousands of instances, solitary individuals of them have been insulted and assaulted in the public highways and open lands of this country by the latchkins and rowdies, and certainly in ninety-nine cases out of every hundred right through, no redress has been given them by the laws of the land. Further it is, and has been, a thing of almost daily occurence to see small boys throwing stones at them as they go along the street, with scarcely any check from the passers by; and yet to all this the Chinaman has almost uniformly presented a spirit and attitude of non-resistance. Now, is not all this disgraceful to our civilisation! What are the real facts of the case, so far as the Chinese in this country are concerned? There are about 20,000 of them, in religion mostly Buddhists, and 15,000 of them at the least are getting an honest living by plodding industry. They are not only industrious, but civil, frugal, and peaceable; they do not drink intoxicating liquors, and even opium, which certainly is a great curse to their physical and social well- being, was introduced among them, and is still grown for them by Europeans. In conclusion it is very doubtful whether with all their opium smoking, their gambling, their petty pilfering, and their other faults, if you were to take 20,000 single men, chiefly of the lower orders, from Europe and see them down in a foreign country they would behave any better than the Chinese have done for the last twenty years and still do in this country.
We have now a word or two to say to Mr Fitzjames, of Grosvenor Villa, Punt road, South Yarro. With respect to his unmanly and disgraceful attack upon our manager's private character and his base and insulting innuendoes with respect to myself, we shall treat with the silent contempt which they deserve, But he takes the opportunity in speaking of us to sneer at science, and very triumphantly asserts that it is no evidence whatever that a thing is true because millions believe it. We knew that, but the converse is equally true. A thing is not necessarily false because millions disbelieve it, and we hold this true with respect to the discovery of men with tails. He covertly sneers at science, and by implication asks what has science done for the world. We answer science has done much good for the world, and is destined to do infinitely more. It discovered the motion of the heavenly bodies, it discovered the mariners compass by which we can safely sail the ocean, it discovered America to form a happy home for millions, it discovered the circulation of the blood to aid the physician, and vaccination to prevent small pox, it discovered the lightning rod to keep danger from our houses, it discovered electricity to send intelligent messages a thousand miles a minute, it discovered gas to light our streets and dwellings, and to send men in balloons miles up in the air, it discovered steam to send him along roads fifty miles an hour, and for a thousand other uses, and ten thousand other things has science discovered for man. By scientific appliances, men are now almost prepared to do anything. For instance, one scientist will give you a little gas to inhale and then pull out your tooth, cut off your leg or your arm, and you will not feel the slightest smart. Another eminent scientist and doctor in South America a short time ago got permission to practice upon two convicts who were to be beheaded for some crime. Knowing that flesh always unites under proper conditions and having long made this feature his special study, he took the head of one of the men directly it was cut off and placed it on the body, sewed the flesh together, and laid him in a certain posture in a dark room. In the course of a few hours there seemed to be motion; in a day or two more motion; in a week or two returning intelligence, and in a few months he perfectly recovered, but the doctor unfortunately, in the excitement of his experiment, had put on the wrong head, and the consequence was that the man's ideas of his past life were very much confused and mixed. Well, Mr Fitzjames, sneer at this!
And now we beg the public, one and all, particularly to listen to what we are going to say. As this enterprising Company is not properly supported, and all the money that we have collected for shares is but two pounds seventeen shillings, and as we have been unjustly abused, we shall now throw up the whole concern in disgust, and conclude our public existence by simply remarking that it was E.W. Cole, of the Book Arcade, Bourke street, that started the idea, and he naturally thought that if a number of people made a deal of money through his suggestion, out of simple gratitude they would come and spend a part of it in books; and now the next best thing to buying shares in the Cauda- Homo Search and Exhibition Company is to take the money you would have otherwise have bought shares with, and go and buy books or music at COLE'S CHEAP BOOK ARCADE, 158 BOURKE STREET.
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