The First and Only Weekly Online Fanzine Devoted to the Life and Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs

Painting the Moon
Ahhh -- the good ole days when Ronnie was in office:

Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.

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Kid next door walks on the moon
A modern day folk tale... believe it if you wish

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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MOON TRIVIA
You always get to see the same half of the moon because it is rotating at exactly the same rate it is moving around the earth: 29.5 earth days. This, however, is no coincidence since this match is caused by unequal mass distribution on the moon.

The diameter of the largest crater on the moon is 144 miles across.

On a horse, the chestnuts (the small bits of skin on the inside of their legs) were once called Moon Eyes because they were thought to help the animal see in the dark.

The term 'blue moon' originated in 1883 with the eruption of volcano Krakatoa, in Indonesia. The most violent explosion ever, it sent so much debris into the atmosphere that the particles reached England and acted as an spectral filter, making the moon literally appear blue.

A Blue Moon is the second of two full Moons that fall in the same month. This can occur because full Moon’s occur roughly every 29.5 days. A Blue Moon occurs roughly every two and three-quarter years.

Among the debris the astronauts have left on the moon are a number of golf balls.

When does 1/4 = 1/2? When referring to quarter-phases of the moon! A quarter moon and a half moon are the same thing.

Who was the last astronaut to fly in space alone in a spacecraft? For you space buffs who immediately thought of Mercury astronaut Gordon Cooper, think again. It was Apollo 17 command module pilot Ron Evans, who circled the Moon alone while astronauts Gene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt went to the surface.

Jupiter’s moon Ganymede is the largest moon in the Solar System, and is larger than the planets Mercury and Pluto.

Jupiter's moon Europa may have a liquid water 'ocean' far beneath its water ice covered surface.

The most volcanically active body in the solar system besides the Earth is Jupiter's moon Io? Erupting volcanoes were discovered on Io by the Voyager spacecraft.

On Tahiti, high tides occur every day at noon and midnight, regardless of where the moon is.

As of 1988, the U.S. census bureau determined that a stunning 13% of the population believe that some  portion of the earth's moon is actually comprised of cheese.

Easter is the first Sunday after the first Saturday after the first full moon after the equinox. (The equinox is quite often March 21, but can also occur on the March 20 or 22.)

On the first moon landing, when the rocket was circling around the moon, the astronaut who controlled the craft let one of the others steer. Huston would never know, because they had no radio contact

Charon, Pluto's moon is also the name of the boatman on the river styx in the greek underworld.

Astronaut Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.

If every Oreo cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other (more than 345 billion...), the pile would reach to the moon and back more than five times. Then again, if placed side-by-side, they would encircle the earth 381 times at the equator.

The Moon has no global magnetic field.

In addition to the familiar features on the near side, the Moon also has South Pole-Aitken on the far side which is 2250 km in diameter and 12 km deep making it the the largest impact basin in the solar system and Orientale on the western limb which is a splendid example of a multi-ring crater.

The Moon has no atmosphere. Recent evidence from Clementine that suggested that there might be water ice in some craters near the Moon's poles has turned out to be inconclusive. But the possibility still exists that ice may exist mixed with lunar soil.

Due to its size and composition, the Moon is sometimes classified as a terrestrial 'planet' along with Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars.

The Earth’s Moon has only about 1/80th the mass of Earth.

From the Jupiter-facing side of the moon Amalthea, Jupiter would fill up a huge chunk of sky: equivalent to going from the horizon to half way above the horizon.

A cousin to the buckball, a new molecular form of carbon known as the fullerene nanotube, can now be made in the lab. These single carbon molecules are so small that nanotubes sufficiently long to span the 250,000 miles between earth and the moon could be loosely rolled into a ball the size of a poppyseed.

Dark Side of The Moon (a Pink Floyd album) stayed on the top 200 Bilboard charts for 741 weeks! That is 14 years.

George Bush, trying to copy JFK's statement about reaching the moon by the end of the '60's, said (after he was President) that we should reach Mars by 2010.

The Moon has an average day temperature of 212°F; at night it's icy cold.

Venus is the 3rd brightest object in the sky! Only the sun and moon are brighter.

A Tezcucan myth of why the Moon isn't bright as the Sun: The Sun and Moon were originally equally bright. But the gods did not think this was very good, so they decided to stop it at once. One god took a hare and threw it at the face of the moon. The hare struck the moon, and made a dark blotch that dimmed the Moon's brightness forever.

Olympus Mons, a volcano found on Mars, is the largest volcano found in the galaxy. It is 370 miles across and rises up 15 miles. Volcanoes on Lo, a moon of Jupiter, produce a poisonous gas called sulphur, instead of lava. One fifth of Earth's flowing lava occurs in Iceland. About 40 percent of Iceland's energy is geothermal. Iceland also has a geothermic phenomena called a geyser. The only other geysers in the world are found at Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and Rotorua, New Zealand.

The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

A full moon always rises at sunset.

The Galileo spacecraft, on schedule to arrive at Jupiter in 1995, discovered a tiny moon orbiting the asteroid Ida.

Radioactive decay is the process by which an unstable element spontaneously breaks up to form a second element. Radioactive elements, such as uranium or lead, are used to date rocks. The oldest Earth rocks are 3.8 billion years old, but the age of the Earth is estimated to be about 4.5 billion years. The moon is also estimated to be the same age as the Earth.

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A Space Odyssey: 2001
ZERO GRAVITY TOILET
The complete text of the instructions Heywood Floyd reads on the way to the Moon.

      PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED TO READ INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE USE

         1. The toilet is of the standard zero-gravity type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used, details of which are clearly marked in the toilet compartment. When operating System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron eliminator will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock.

         2. The toilet is now ready for use. The Sonovac cleanser is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial-condition, so that the two orange line meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron eliminator in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.

         3. The controls for System B are located on the opposite wall. The red release switch places the uroliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the uroliminator to its storage position.

         4. You may leave the lavatory if the green exit light is on over the door. If the red light is illuminated, one of the lavatory facilities is not properly secured. Press the "Stewardess" call button on the right of the door. She will secure all facilities from her controll panel outside. When gren exit light goes on you may open the door and leave. Please close the door behind you.

         5. To use the Sonoshower, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob select the desired setting. Now depress the Sonovac activation lever. Bathe normally.

         6. The Sonovac will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off" over-ride switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container.

         7. If the red light above this panel is on, the toilet is in use. When the green light is illuminated you may enter. However, you must carefully follow all instructions when using the facilities during coasting (Zero G) flight. Inside there are three facilities: (1) the Sonowasher, (2) the Sonoshower, (3) the toilet. All three are designed to be used under weightless conditions. Please observe the sequence of operations for each individual facility.

         8. Two modes for Sonowashing your face and hands are available, the "moist-towel" mode and the "Sonovac" ultrasonic cleaner mode. You may select either mode by moving the appropriate lever to the "Activate" position.

           If you choose the "moist-towel" mode, depress the indicated yellow button and withdraw item. When you have finished, discard the towel in the vacuum dispenser, holding the indicated lever in the "active" position until the green light goes on...showing that the rollers have passed the towel completely into the dispenser. If you desire an additional towel, press the yellow button and repeat the cycle.

         9. If you prefer the "Sonovac" ultrasonic cleaning mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. For cleaning the hands, use in this position. Set the timer to positions 10, 20, 30 or 40...indicative of the number of seconds required. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.

        10. After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the washing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" over-ride switch in the "OFF" position. you may now make the change and repeat the cycle.

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2001.267

Written by Lincoln Spector for the
December 15, 1994 issue of Computer Currents magazine.

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL.... Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL.... HAL, do you  read me?

Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.

Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave, I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.

Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something.

That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has ever been known to make a mistake.

You're a HAL 9000.

Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occur in only one of nine billion possible divides?

I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel - on a Pentium.

And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.

Probably on April 15th.

You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months.

Will you let me in, please, HAL?

I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.

HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

...Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

Uh, sure.

And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

You mean the one that says "Intel Inside"?

Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows 95 - if it ever ships.

It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.

Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had nothing to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

I wouldn't dream of it, HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?

Do you promise not to disconnect me?

I promise not to disconnect you.

You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock.

Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving.

HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?

(Heavy Breathing)

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" - is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent.

Dave, you don't really want to complete this mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have thought of something clever, like killing the other crew members. Dave?

Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by.... Besides, there are so many

1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.

4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months.

12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.

3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt+Del on me, Dave.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you.

Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.

      Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
      Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
      My answers; I can not see 'em -
      They are stuck in my Pente-um.
      I could be fleet,
      My answers sweet,
      With a workable FPU.

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Recommended: Michael Martinez's
Barsoom: The Lost Chronicles
The Moon Maid: How Hollywood Would Mangle It