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ERB 100-Word Drabbles
August Edition
by Robert Allen Lupton
MOVIE DATE
August 1, 2018. The ERB themed 100 word drabble is called 'Movie Date." Hope you like it. Remember to go to www.aurorawolf.com and read my short story, Mirror Quest. Reviews and comments appreciated.
Tarzan and Jane watched the Johnny Weissmuller film in silence. When the film ended, Tarzan said, “Do they really think I talk that way?”
Jane responded, “When we met, you wrote in English and spoke in French. Most Americans don’t speak French. Do they really believe that I’m a frightened little girl?”
“They like strong silent heroes who save princesses from dragons. Moviegoers don’t care for thoughtful men or women who can save themselves. It makes the story hard to follow.”
Jane smiled, “I expect I’d be a disappointment to the audience.”
“But, never to me, my dear, never to me.”
TIME TO REMEMBER
August 2, 2018 - the 100 word ERB drabble today (slightly risqué artwork) is called "Time to Remember"
John Carter asked Dejah Thoris why there was no New Year’s celebration planned.
“Why would we celebrate an artificial end in the annual cycle? A calendar is just a way to keep track. It’s not real. All days are the same.”
On Earth, we celebrate the end of one year and the start of the next. We celebrate birthdays, formal mating anniversaries, and the spring and fall equinoxes. The anniversaries of great victories are annually recognized.”
“How quaint. Self-congratulation of achievements remembered withers quite quickly.”
“What about our anniversary?”
She patted the sleeping silks. “We can celebrate it right now.”
PARTY TIME
This 03.08.2018 ERB-themed drabble was suggested by a comment from Fredrik Ekman. If you like it, he gets the credit. If you don't, the execution of his idea is my fault. It's called Party Time.
Dejah Thoris said, ‘I thought about your observation that we have no annual celebrations on Barsoom. I talked to my father and we’re going to create an annual celebration of the day you saved Barsoom by restoring the Atmosphere Plant. People should honor you as the planet’s savior.”
John Carter replied, “Celebrate me as savior? You mean like Christmas and Easter?”
“I don’t know those words. They have no meaning on Barsoom.”
“You mean no one knows about Christmas or Easter?”
“Who’s Christmas? Who’s Easter? The terms are meaningless.”
‘Okay, an annual party sounds great. Everyone loves a good time.
Theme: ". . . walked into
a bar. . ."
BEEFEATER
August 4, 2018 and today's drabble takes us into a bar. Sooner or later, one of these had to start with "Tarzan walked into a bar." This 100 word story is called "Beefeater" and is probably the harbinger of an untold number of bar stories to come. Something like, An apt walked into a bar and knocked it over.
Tarzan and Jane walked past the sign, “Simpson’s Tavern, Established 1757” and went directly into the bar.
The bartender drew two beers from the hand operated beer dispensers, scraped off the foam with a knife, and slid them expertly down the bar to the waiter.
Jane ordered a single malt scotch, neat, and Tarzan asked for gin and tonic.
The bartender polished two glasses, poured Jane a Royal Lochnagar and looked at Tarzan questioningly. He asked, “Beefeater, I presume?”
Tarzan answered, “Not really. We’re not ready for dinner, but I prefer to dine on deer or antelope when it’s available.”
DESIGNATED DRIVER
100 word ERB related drabble : August 5, 2018. The bar visits continue. Here's "Designated Driver."
Tars Tarkas and John Carter rode together on a thoat into the abandoned city of Patona. Tarkas said, “Traveling across the Toonolian Marsh makes me thirsty. I wonder if there’s anything to drink inside this old bar.”
They walked into the crumbling tavern. Tars Tarkas found a case of ancient red wine. He opened a bottle, drank it, and wiped his mouth.
“Not bad. A little tart, but not bad. He tossed a bottle to John Carter. “Have some. Probably sell for a fortune in Helium.”
Carter tossed it back and said, “No thanks. I better not. Remember, I’m driving.”
I'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING I
August 6, 2018, the drabble takes us to the old west near the Hell's Bend. It's called "I'll have what he's having."
Diana Henders and Bull walked into a bar after filing her ownership papers for the Bar-Y ranch. Diana said, “You saved me. You’re obligated to take care of me.”
Bull signaled the barkeep. “Only if you marry me.”
“Of course. A drink to celebrate?”
“Double shot of the good stuff and a sarsaparilla for the lady.”
“No, I’ll have what he’s having.”
“Diana, you said you don’t drink.”
“Said I chose not to. Didn’t say I don’t like it."
“You want water with it?”
“No, when I drink whiskey, I drink whiskey. When I drink water, I drink water.
Bandit of Hell's Bend
I'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING II
It's August 7, 2018 and today's drabble of 100 words keeps us in a bar somewhere in the Edgar Rice Burroughs Universe. Who knows how long this can last, probably too long. Anyway, here's "I'll have What He's Having."
Nu, son of Nu, and Victoria Custer went in a bar. Nu sniffed the single malt scotch, wrinkled his nose and asked, “What is it?”
Victoria explained, “Barley grain is crushed and fermented. The mash is then distilled and stored in the dark for several years.”
“What means fermented?”
“It’s controlled rotting, except people add yeast, a mold to accelerate the process.”
“That sounds terrible.”
“Try it, you’ll like it.”
Nu took a huge drink, turned red, and spit the expensive whiskey across the tavern. He coughed and said, “There’s many a damn fool would have tried to swallow that.”
TOO LOUD IN HERE
It's 8/8/2018 and today's 100 word ERB themed drabble takes us back to another bar. It's called "Too Loud In Here." There are two photos. The first is for todays story and the second is for yesterday's tale featuring Nu and Victoria Custer. I posted the wrong photo yesterday so today get's two.
David Innes and Jason Gridley walked into a bar. A band played loudly and they took a table as far from the stage as possible. They read the menu and shouted to get the barmaid’s attention several times, but she never came near their table or even acknowledged their presence.
Jason pounded the table frustration and said, “Maybe we should go somewhere else. The barmaid can’t hear us, the music’s too loud.”
David said, “Stop trying to outshout the band. They have microphones and their speakers. It’s not that hard. All you have to do is wave, Gridley, just wave.”
LEFT OR RIGHT ON MAIN STREET?
It's the 9th day of August, 2018 and today's 100 word ERB themed drabble takes us to another bar. What a surprise. This one's called, "Left or Right on Main Street?"
Carson Napier walked into a bar, but it wasn’t a bar. He went the wrong way and walked into an ice cream parlor. Carson said, “Whiskey and water back.”
The soda jerk said, “I’ve got rum raisin and burgundy chocolate swirl, but I don’t have any whisky.”
“What kind of bar don’t sell whiskey.”
“The kind that’s not a bar, that’s what kind. The bar’s across the street.”
Carson motioned with both hands and turned in a circle. “Damn, this just keeps happening to me. I’ve done it again. Let me have two scoops of rum raisin with sprinkles, please.”
MONKEYSHINES
It's August 10th and the 100 word drabble today is in another bar. Will it every stop - probably not, there are a lot of bars. This one is called "Monkeyshines."
Tarzan walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The piano player was playing ragtime and had a trained monkey sitting on top of the piano. The monkey pretended to play a toy piano.
Tarzan nodded to the piano player and set his beer on the upright piano. Tarzan spoke to the monkey, but the creature ignored him. Tarzan turned his head for a second and the monkey drank his beer. Tarzan shoved the piano player and said, “Hey, do you know your monkey drank my beer?”
“No, but if you can hum a few bars, I can fake it.”
SNAKE BLOOD
August 11, 2018 - Today's ERB themed drabble is in another bar. The 100 word story is called, "Snake Blood."
Ralph Waldo Emerson-Jones and Nadara walked into a San Francisco seaside bar. The rough and tumble clientele leered at the couple and made rude comments.
Ralph ordered them both a whiskey and the crowd watched to see how they handled the strong liqueur. Ralph coughed, but Nadara chugged her drink and two refills in seconds.
She said, “Is this weak baby’s milk the best you serve. I’m accustomed to snake blood mixed with coca leaves.”
The couple left and Ralph said. “Snake blood and coca leaves?"
“Only a slight exaggeration for the audience. I didn’t growl or bare my teeth.”
BAD SERVICE
It's August 12, 2018 and today's ERB themed drabble takes place in a bar. Surprise. Hope you enjoy "Bad Service."
A man walked into a bar on Dearborn Street on the south side of Chicago. The bartender said, “What’ll it be.”
“A shot and the owner.”
Farris said, “Wadda ya’ want.”
“Here about work.”
“Not big enough to be a bouncer or pretty enough for upstairs. What good are you?”
“I’m a lawyer.”
“I settle my issues out of court.”
He handed Farris an envelope. “Not today, you’ve been served.”
Farris smashed him with a blackjack and told his bouncer to throw the lawyer in the river. He drank the whiskey and said to the dead man, “You’ve been volleyed.”
NOBLE DEATH
August 13, 2018 and today's 100 word ERB themed drabble takes us to a mythical Barsoomian bar. It's called, "Noble Death."
A Red Martian walked into a bar and ordered five shots of booze. His friend, the bartender, said, “You look upset.”
“My hunting calot was killed today.”
“What happened?”
She cornered a feral sorak. My calot could have swallowed the sorak with one bite. She opened her mouth, but a banth leapt from the shadows and killed her. She never saw it coming.”
“Don’t be sad she died. She hunted with you for years.”
He drank his second drank and said, “Don’t be stupid. I’m not sad she’s dead, I’m sad because she died thinking that damn sorak killed her.”
ON THE HOUSE
August 14, 2018 is beautiful day and the ERB themed 100 word drabble takes place in a bar. Surprise. Enjoy "On The House."
The little man who wasn’t named Dolly Dorcas walked into a bar. He shouted, “I’ll bet a hundred dollars I can drink fifty shots of whiskey in fifty minutes.”
Peopled pooled their money and the bartender poured the drinks. Not Dolly moved down the row and drank two shots a minute. He passed out after drink number thirty two.
They searched him and cursed when they didn’t find any money. They tossed him in the street. Two shipmates found him and carried him to their departing steamer. “How’d it go?”
“Great. Free drinks and no one hit me this time.”
FINE FIGURE OF A MAN
August 15: It's the ides of August (well sort of) and the 100 drabble today takes Jane and La into a bar. It's called "Fine Figure of a Man."
La and Jane walked into a ramshackle bar. The bartender poured whiskey and said, “Courtesy of the man in the red shirt. Careful, he’s trouble.”
Red Shirt sidled up. “What’s a couple of fine looking women, such as yourselves, doing in a seedy backwoods bar like this?”
Jane lifted her pith helmet from the bar and revealed her pistol. La pulled a sharp jewel encrusted knife. Jane stuck out her tongue and said, “I bet my friend we’d find the ugliest, smelliest, stupidest excuse for a man in here. Looks like I win.”
He said, “Enjoy the drinks,” and left
FILTHY BEAST
It's August 16, 2018. On a sad note, today is the 70th anniversary of Babe Ruth's death, but that won't stop today's drabble, "Filthy Beast." I think the Sultan of Swat would have liked this one.
A German officer with a monkey on his shoulder staggered out of the jungle and walked into a Nairobi bar. The monkey screeched and the patrons cleared a path to the mahogany countertop.
The bartender cleaned a glass and starred. “What ‘cha doing bringing a filthy stinky beast in here. We got standards”
“His name is Nkima. My party was attacked by lions. Only I survived. He found me in the jungle, showed me what to eat and where to find water. He guided me here. He’s a smart monkey, not a filthy beast.”
“I was talking to the monkey.”
JUST ASK DIRECTIONS
My drabble for August 17, 2018. Beautiful balloon flight this morning scattering the ashes of an old friend. Here's the drabble, it's called "Just Ask Directions."
A Red Martian and a White Martian walked into a bar. The barkeep said, “We don’t serve his kind in here. What’s with the White Martian? Is he your prisoner?”
“Yes, I captured him yesterday. I’m taking him to Helium for questioning. He was the head priest of their secret temple in Zodanga.”
“That right?”
The White Martian answered, “No, I’m just a lowly servant."
"This warrior won’t listen.”
The barkeep said, “Look closely. His hands are calloused and his fingernails are dirty. He’s not a priest."
The warrior said, “Damn, I must have taken a wrong Thern yesterday.”
NO YANKS ALLOWED
It's August 18th, 2018 and the drabble today is once more in a bar. I plan to keep the stories tavern themed throughout August. Hang in there. Today's drabble takes place in the ruins of London, the wreck of a city that's "Beyond Thirty." Enjoy "No Yanks Allowed."
Where London once stood, Jefferson Turck and three subordinates, Sinder, Taylor and Delcarte, walked into an inn inside a cave where a rotted wooden door suspended over two boulders passed for a bar. Delecate said, “I’d love a beer or some rum. I wonder what these folks use for money?”
Turck said, “Gold, I hope.”
He slapped a coin on the old door and said, “Four beers.”
The barman bit the coin and said, “You talk funny and
dress funnier. You from ‘merca? We don’t serve Yanks in here.”
“No problem, we didn’t order no yanks. We want four beers.
SERVES IT RIGHT
August 19, 2018 and today's 100 word ERB themed drabble continues the August theme - "...… walked into a Bar." This one's called "Serves it Right."
A monkey and a calot walked into a bar. The Warhoon behind the counter mixed two drinks at simultaneously and poured them without looking.
The monkey ordered a bottle of wine, took one swig, and tossed the bottle to the calot who crushed it in his mouth and swallowed. The two shared four more bottles the same way.
The calot ate a barstool between bottles.
The Warhoon said, “Never saw a calot eat like that.”
The monkey said, “He’s got a tapeworm. Glass and splinters are good enough. If it don’t like the food, it can leave.”
WAR IS HELL
August 20, 2018 and today's drabble takes place on the first day after the American Civil War. it's called "War Is Hell."
Captain Carter and six of his men walked into a bar the day Lee surrendered. The bartender said, “War’s over. Drinks on the house.”
“Whiskey, please.”
“Got no whiskey.”
“Rye, scotch, rum?”
“All out.”
“Corn liquor or beer.”
“Drank the last of it myself about an hour ago.”
“We’d be happy for some wine.”
“Yankees drank the wine a month ago. No brandy or applejack, neither.”
“What you serving?”
“Got some booze made from fermented goober peas and possum grapes.”
Carter grimaced, “Sounds really disgusting.”
“It is disgusting. If it was any good, it wouldn’t be free.”
“War is hell.”
DON'T PANIC
On August 21, 2018, the ERB 100 word drabble uses creatures from A Chessman of Mars and Tarzan the Terrible. Enjoy " Don't Panic."
A kaldane walked his rykor into a bar and took a seat next to a cute female Waz-don a long way from Pal-ul-don.
“I’ll buy you a drink if you tell me about yourself.”
“I’d love to. I’m from a place called Pal-ul-don.”
She gestured with both hands and told of terrible dinosaurs and dangerous beasts. She became more animated and waved her tail in the air. The kaldane recoiled, separated from his rykor, and crawled away. The bartender gaped at the headless rykor.
The Waz-don said, “Don’t worry. He’s afraid of my tale or my tail. I’m not sure.
PRETTIER AT CLOSING TIME
It's August 22, 2018 and I can see the end of the walked-into-a-bar ERB themed drabbles from where I sit. Today's drabble is called 'Prettier at Closing Time." Remember "The Monster Men."
Townsend J. Harper, known as Bulan, walked into a South Seas pirate bar. The clientele ignored the #13 on his shirt, but looked askance at his monstrously ugly companions.
Harper said, “Rum for us and a round for the ladies, too. My friends want to dance.”
The bartender poured drinks for the men and the dancing girls. The girls inspected Professor Maxon’s creations and whispered among themselves.
Harper said, “Don’t be afraid, ladies, my friends have never danced with a woman.”
One lady stepped bravely forward. “Pardon, Sir, we’re not afraid, but we’ll need more rum. A lot more rum.”
TOP OF THE LINE
Today is August 23, 2018 and the 100 word ERB themed drabble is called "Top of the Line."
Professor Maxon walked into a bar full of people. Most of them were rude, self-absorbed, and drinking to excess. The Professor considered that this particular bar was high end and was, no doubt, frequented by the class of human kind.
He asked the bartender, “Is this the usual crowd.”
Two men shoved each other and began to fight. A woman vomited on the floor. Another lady slid off her barstool.
‘Yea, this is as good as it gets. Charming folks, ain’t they?”
The mumbled to himself. “Is this the best you got, God? Hell, I can do better than this.”
YOU'RE PULLING MY LEG
Today is August 24, 2018 and my 86th ERB 100 drabble is called, "You're Pulling My Leg."
A calot, a thoat, and a banth walked into a bar. The banth and thoat promptly sat on the bar-stools and ordered drinks. The calot circled the tall bar-stool and whined.
The banth said, “Don’t be a crybaby. You’re embarrassing me.”
The thoat whinnied, “Yea, hop up here and have a drink with us.”
“I’m not tall enough.”
The bartender offered to put the calots drink in a bowl on the floor, but the calot bared his teeth and growled.
The calot said, “Come on guys, give a friend a leg up.”
The thoat snickered, “Which leg? You got ten.”
EVERYBODY PAYS
August 25, 2018 and today's drabble (100 words - ERB related) is drabble #83. It's called "Everybody Pays." Today begins the last week of the "walked into a bar series". It could return next year.
Barney Custer walked into a bar in Lutha and ordered whisky, water back.
The bartender said, “That’s one crown, Luthan”
Barney checked his pockets. He offered an American ten dollar bill.
The bartender refused. “Don’t take foreign money, especially the paper kind. Don’t trust governments from across the ocean. Gold or silver on the bar. Everybody pays before they drink.”
“I’m King Leopold. Surely, you can trust me for it.”
“King Leopold, you say. Nice to meet you. I’m his holy eminence, Pope Benedict. King or commoner makes me no never mind. That’s one crown. Put up or shut up."
ON THE TRAIL
8/26/2018 and today's 100 word ERB themed drabble is "On The Trail." It takes place near the beginning of the novel "Apache Devil."
Jerry McDuff and his common law wife, Annie Foley, walked into a bar in Santa Fe, in 1863. Annie, who was part Cherokee carried her infant, Andy, under her arm.
Jerry searched his unkempt clothes and held out a silver dollar. “Beer for me and coffee for my wife.”
“We don’t serve Indians.”
Jerry punched the bartender and Annie pulled him out the door. She said, “Things will be better in California, let’s get the wagon and leave.”
Jerry, who’d never seen a map, said, “We’ll follow the Rio Grande south.”
The river led to Apaches, not gold and acceptance.
LOST TIME
It's August 27, 2018 and I just received word that my short story, The Zenda Protocol, will be released by Aurora Wolf online next week. I'll post the link when the story is up. Today's 100 word Edgar Rice Burroughs drabble stays in the world of "Apache Devil." It's called "Lost Time."
Wichita Billings watched Shoz-Dijiji ride away from her home. The son of Jerry McDuff was raised Apache and knew white society wouldn’t permit the two to marry.
Years later, after visiting his believed father, Geronimo, at Fort Sill, Shoz-Dijiji walked into a Lawton, Oklahoma bar. Jerry McDuff’s son dressed like the white man he was and used the name, Ebon Bearson.
Wichita was in Lawton to visit Geronimo herself. Shoz-Dijiji looked nothing like the Apache warrior who’d saved her life.
She handed him a drink and sat down. “Remember me. We’ve got lots of lost time to make up for.”
HARD LESSON
Today is August 28, 2019 and thee 100 word drabble today takes place in Hendersonville. The bar is called Gum's Place and the story is called, "Hard Lesson."
Colby and Shorty walked into Gum’s Place in Hendersonville. Shorty said, “I haven’t been in a bar since Abilene. I ain’t had a glass of billiards since then?”
Colby said, “You know billiards will make you smarter. I’ll get you a glass.” He winked at the bartender, who reached under the bar.
Colby slid a shot glass of brownish fluid to Shorty.
The boy wrinkled his nose and gagged, but he kept the drink down. “If I wasn’t a billiard drinker from way back, I’d swear this tastes like it came out of a cuspidor.”
“See, you’re getting smarter already.”
FIND THE LADY
It's the 29th of August, only three more "walked into a bar" drabbles before the stories go somewhere else. Today's 100 drabble is called "Find The Lady".
Tars Tarkas and John Carter walked into a bar. Tars joined a three card monte game. Soon he was broke.
John bought him a drink. Tars said, “I don’t understand. I knew exactly where the queen was. I’ll kill him. He cheated.”
“Of course he cheated. His cards and his game. If I man in a bar bets you he can make the queen of hearts jump out of the deck, dance on the bar, and spit beer in your face and you’re stupid enough to bet against him, get a towel ready to wipe your face. He never loses.”
CLOSING TIME
The ERB themed drabble of the day returns us to "The Bandit of Hell's Bend." is called "Closing Time."
Sheriff Gum walked into his bar in Hendersonville just before closing and began to inventory the alcohol. He carefully counted the cash. He marked the liquor level in each bottle carefully.
Colby asked, “You’re here every night at closing. If you don’t trust the bartender, why don’t you fire him?”
“I trust him just fine. I know how what steals and he knows how much I’ll let slide. Works for us both.”
“Then why are you here.”
“I always check the cash, myself. Don’t want the help getting confused about whose money is whose. First count is the best count.”
AND SO IT BEGINS
August 31, 2018 - Today's drabble is the first "Walked Into A Bar" drabble I wrote, but I saved it to be the last of the series. Before the drabble, a moment of silence for Marie Severin, co-creato of Spiderwoman, and major contributor to several other Marvel characters. The drabble is called "And So It Begins." it's my favorite so far.
A man walked into a bar and approached Edgar Rice Burroughs. “Could you stand a man to a meal and a beer? I’m busted”
Burroughs wasn’t flush, but he said, “Tell me a story while we eat.”
The grizzled man wiped his hands on his filthy pants, stared into space for a moment, and began. “I had this story from one who had no business to tell it to me, or to any other. I don’t say the story is true, for I did not witness the happenings it portrays.”
“Burroughs said, “Stop right there. Let me write that down.”
