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Volume 7776
HALLOWEEN IN ERB LAND
by John Martin
Jane was bending down, making a circuit of Lord Greystoke's
easy chair, picking up the candy wrappers he had discarded like so many banana
peels.
She was interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Who in the world would that be?" muttered John.
"I didn't think the Waziri let their kids stay out past 7:30.”
"I guess we'll find out," said Jane cheerfully,
walking over to the door and opening it up.
A horde of squat, hairy creatures stood beyond it, and one,
apparently the leader, said, in a guttural voice, "Trick or Treat!"
“Oh, John," tittered Jane. "Look! There's a bunch
of kids who have dressed up like men of Opar to try to scare us.”
John Clayton wrinkled his nose and sniffed the effluvia of
the creatures as it wafted through the door.
"Uh, Jane," he said, not wishing to alarm her.
"Don't give them any of that salt water taffy. I have another little treat
for them." He walked to a cabinet and took out a bowl of round, golf
ball-size objects that had the appearance and aroma of chocolate.
"Here you go, kids," he said, smiling somewhat
sinisterly as one by one each individual from the band of 50 snatched one from
the bowl and disappeared into the darkness beyond the porchlight.
As the last one departed, Lord Greystoke closed the door,
leaned against it, and grinned at Jane. "That ought to fix those little
monsters," he said.
“Oh, John," gasped Jane, "you didn't give them
candies with razor blades in them, did you?”
“Oh no," he said. "Nothing like that. But when
they get back to Opar, there's going to be a long, long line for the men's
restroom. I knew we'd eventually find a use for those chocolate-covered prunes
your father left here.”
HALLOWEEN ON BARSOOM: A PLAN FOR ALL SEASONS
“Whew! I don't see anyone else coming up the ramp and it's starting to get real quiet in the streets of Helium," said Dejah Thoris. "I think I'll turn out the porch light.”
“Go ahead," said John Carter. "We're almost out of
Halloween candy anyway.”
“No, we're not," said Dejah. "I have lots more in
the kitchen.”
“It was a good idea," said Carter, "with the red
candies for the red Martians and green for the little Tharks.”
“Well," said Dejah. "I had to plan ahead and make
twice as much for the Tharks. There aren't as many of them around here but
those four hands of theirs just seem to keep grabbing and grabbing.”
“I think the Warhoon kids are worse," said Carter.
"Their parents don't teach them any manners at all.”
“Yes," said Dejah. " We do have to put up with
some mischievous behavior. But that's part of Halloween. I'm kind of glad you
introduced this Jasoomian tradition to us. But I don't know what I'm going to
do with all that extra candy.”
John Carter smiled. "No problem," he said.
"We'll keep them fresh in these Tupperware containers I brought from
Jasoom."
“But John," she said. "Even in Tupperware the
candy won't last a whole Martian year.”
“No," smiled the Warlord. "But it will last two
Barsoomian months, and red and green are the traditional holiday colors for the
next Earth tradition I'm going to introduce -- it's called Christmas.”
“Christmas?" Dejah asked. "What on Earth is that
all about?”
“Well, it's about peace on Earth," said Carter.
"But that would never fly on Barsoom. But there's another Earth tradition
that I think will be popular with many, including you, sweetie.”
Oooh," said Dejah. "What's that."
"Shopping," said the Warlord.
HALLOWEEN IN PELLUCIDAR: THE CURSE OF CANDY
"Are you sure this is a good idea, Abner?" David
asked.
“Of course it is, David. Why should the kids on the upper
crust be the only ones who get free candy at Halloween?”
“But there is no candy in Pellucidar," insisted David.
"Go back and read all seven books. No mention of candy at all.”
Abner smiled indulgently, a smile he often found himself
using in conversations with David.
“Why David," he assured him, "there may have been
a time when there was no Halloween candy in the inner world, but that was
before I invented it.”
“Don't tell me you brought along candy recipes in the Iron
Mole.”
"Of course not," said Perry. "But you know my
theory of invention. If one man can come up with a recipe for candy, another
intelligent man can also figure out how to make it. Here, have one." He
held out a bowl full of brightly colored round balls.
"Those look like the jawbreakers I used to buy for a
penny at the corner store," said David, reaching in and taking a blue one.
He was careful to avoid the red ones because he was afraid that Perry might
have used a chili pepper-based plant to make them.
“Ouch! These are hard," complained David as he bit down
on the candy. "I almost broke a tooth on that one.”
“As a scientist, I anticipated that possibility," said
Perry. "So I came up with another invention.”
“What's that?" asked David, "softer candy?”
“No," smiled Perry, hauling a pair of claw-like pliers
out of his back pocket. "Dental tools.”
...
A JUNGLE HALLOWEEN: WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?
Jane nodded approvingly as the Waziri strung the last set of
orange lights around the house. She extracted her Bic disposable lighter from
her utility belt and ignited the candle wicks and then allowed a few drops of
melting wax to drip inside each jack-o-lantern before turning the candle
upright and positioning it in the quickly hardening substance.
At that moment, the Lord of the Manor, as well as the
Jungle, swung into the front yard from a nearby tree and landed with a whump on
the lawn.
"Looks like you're all ready for tonight," he said
to Jane, giving her a peck on her prominent red lips, made redder with the
application of extra lipstick for her Halloween vamp costume.
"Yes," said Jane. "The Waziri kids should be
starting to arrive any moment. I can't wait to see what kind of scary costumes
they come up with this year. Do you think they'll like this candy?" She
had picked up a bowl of small oblong bead-like things, about the size of
TicTacs, and offered it to the ape-man.
He hesitated. "What are these?" he asked.
“Oh, just some leftover Kavuru pills," said Jane.
"I've tried some myself and they're very sweet.”
“But Jane," frowned the great Tarmangani. "One of
the ingredients is glands from little Waziri girls who were kidnapped and
murdered by the Kavuru.”
“"Well," she smiled. "You know...candy and
little girls are both made of sugar and spice and everything nice.”
Read All The John Martin Features in ERBzine
www.ERBzine.com/martin
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